Thursday, September 26, 2013

at #4 Ohio State

Welcome to #OhioHate week! Oh, let me tell you, #OhioHate week is one of my favorite weeks of the year. There's just so much to despise about them. LET US DESPISE:
  • Urban Meyer. Urban Meyer is a walking, talking coaching embodiment of slash and burn agriculture. Except not only does he hack and scorch the land, but he's also slashing at his own head at the same time. We never really got details on his 'health reasons' for stepping away from Florida, but I'm guessing some of his afflictions were Brokenlockerrooomitis and Icreatedapoisonousculturia. Fortunately for poor Urban, WebMD recommended he leave Florida before non-preferiti mutinied against him, take a job with ESPN, get full access to practices and facilities at schools across the country, and then jump right back into coaching with OSU. WebMD always just tells me I have cancer. I also despise WebMD.
  • By the way, Urban 'Outfitters Accessory (to murder)' Meyer may have helped cover up some violent Aaron Hernandez crimes. So he's got that going for him.
  • Halloween. Two years ago, we lost a game in a city in that state no one likes not named Ohio on a last second Hail M*ry that I'm still not sure actually happened in front of my eyes. That was terrible. But the next week we had a prime opportunity to get a rare win in Columbus. It was Halloween Saturday. We gathered in my living room and watched an up and down affair that we thought peaked with a late Wisconsin touchdown to take the lead for good. Then Braxton found some Buckeye asshole wide open behind our secondary for the second crushing defeat in 7 days. It was not my favorite Halloween.
  • Jared Sullinger. Yeah I don't care that he didn't play football. He's still the same baby who got pushed around by our point guards in the paint, lied about getting spit on as students rushed the floor after we beat those scumbags, and got a little too handsy with his girlfriend. Oh yeah, in case you forgot, his dad is named 'Satch' and at one point was convinced of an NBA-wide conspiracy to make Jared fall in the draft.
  • Meth. The official state drug of Ohio. You know, I've been watching Breaking Bad and playing some GTA, and I've quickly learned there are two branches that spread from the meth tree: 1) You can be the powerful, rich, badass meth-overlords who feast on the weak, toothless meth-heads, or 2) You can be the weak, toothless meth-heads and be PROUD to be a Columbus resident.


CHICAGO BADGERS: A much more reasonable night game at Will's. Weather's looking good. Cheese curds are looking plump. What else could you ask for?

LET'S go!




8) Go to Ian's Pizza on Frances St. at bar time and devour two slices of Mac and Cheese pizza

I can't emphasize enough that you have to go to the one on Frances St. and go at bar time. Those two ingredients are just as important as noodles and cheese in this experience. The line at Ian's at 2 AM always looks daunting. It's usually out the door, and an inexperienced person might think it's not worth the wait and settle on Qdoba. Not that there's anything wrong with Qdoba. But that line at Ian's is worth the wait - and the wait is part of the reason that this is something everyone should take part in. You really don't know what you're going to see. People passed out at tables with untouched pizza in front of them? For sure. Guys fighting in line because, well, those types of guys never really seem to need much of a reason to fight? Look out. Last chance to find a person to go home with after coming up empty at Johnny O's? Why not?

And then there's the pizza itself. As I've said before, Mac and Cheese is not my favorite slice at Ian's. But it's damn good. And it's obviously the slice that everyone knows about and everyone talks about. Nothing screams out 'WISCONSIN' more than dumping a pile of macaroni and cheese on top of a piece of pizza and calling it second dinner, which is why you need to chew this at least once in your Madison life. Plus, the people working there are pizza swindling ROBOTS who get people's orders in and out with suspicious efficiency. I never could figure out how they knew when to pull all the slices out at the right time and get the correct slices to people who don't even remember what they ordered. Magic, most likely. Frankly, I don't need to know their secrets. I just need to eat their pizza while hammered and be happy.

PS - Apparently for one year they let freshmen in the private dorms get Ian's as part of their meal plan and holy shit the Freshmen 15 would be the Freshmen 50 if that were possible when I was a freshman.


9) Hook up in the Memorial Library cages
10) Steal a Terrace chair from the Memorial Union

Honorable Mentions: Shouout posted in the Badger Herald, Wait in line overnight for tickets, Pontoon Porch


OSU QB Braxton Miller vs. UW LB Chris Borland

Even though Kenny Guiton has been an unstoppable force lately, I'm fully expecting a near-100% Braxton Miller to reclaim his role as the starting quarterback at Ohio State. This is a mixed bag. Miller is incredibly talented, and before his injury he was on his way to a season flirting with Heisman contention. He's always shown the ability to beat teams his legs, but this year he was looking pretty good slinging the rock as well before he went down with a knee injury.

And yet, Wisconsin absolutely shut Miller down last year in Camp Randall. We're talking under 100 yards passing, and a 2.1 yard average carry on the ground. I'm sure Braxton will tell you that the only important stat was the final score, but Wisconsin has to be optimistic about their chances of stopping Braxton given how well the defense did against him last year. I won't go as far as to say that I'd rather face Miller than Guiton, but I think that might actually be the truth. Our front 7, led by THE Chris Borland, fares much better against runners than true pocket passers. I'm looking for big things out of CB44 in his last game against the hometown school that passed over him 5 years ago.

OSU Coach Urban Meyer vs. UW Coach Gary Andersen, TOTES BFF4L

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Urban Meyer and Gary Andersen used to coach together and they are TOTALLY friends with each other! If you haven't heard about this, then make sure the volume is up on any college football preview show this week and during the broadcast on Saturday, because I can Guarantee with a capital 'G'[od I hate this storyline] that they will hammer it in your face for hours. 'Does either coach have more of an advantage having seen how the other works up close and personal?' 'Do you think they'll exchange a quick kiss during the post-game handshake?' Enough.

Whoa hey what's this we thing all about? Well, I suck at finding new music and I'm running out of Weezer songs to throw at you. So going forward, I'm outsourcing this section to some friends who are all into music and shit. You will be shocked to know that they are not getting paid for this.

The Boxer Rebellion - Keep Moving

I don't have the Wisconsin connection, but I do love college football. In the interest of supporting my alma mater (Florida State), my first recommendation is a band whose lead singer went to FSU before moving to London. Check out one of the standout tracks from the album Promises that All Music Guide gave a 4*. - @abellwillring

Cymande - The Message

Old fucking band from the 70's. Hopefully everyone has heard the classic "Bra" off this same album, but this album is amazing all around as evidenced by this song. Everybody likes funk. Everyone likes this song. - James Q. Ward
[For the record, one time in high school there was a bunch of us in a girl's basement and someone put 'Bra' on repeat and no one noticed for at least an hour. Incredible song.]

Mike Will Made It (ft. Miley Cyrus, Wiz Khalifa) - 23

This has been my song the past few weeks and I think is about to blow up, so you can be just ahead of the trend before it gets played out. - @DannyGoldin

Shaggy - It Wasn't Me

OK, FINE, this one was all me. Someone said the words 'red handed' to me today and I've had the song stuck in my head ever since. I reserve the right to put one random song everyone has heard before in here whenever I want. God this song is straight FIRE. Where is Shaggy today and why is he not just performing this song nonstop until he dies?


Night game at the Shoe

Urban is a scumbag, meth

Kind of a big game


It's good seeing Steve-O back in the game making videos. I have no idea if he ever stopped, but I guess he's got his own YouTube channel now. So that sounds like a fun thing to follow.
PS - Few things will ever top this:

I am so scared of whatever drugs he was on.

This is the result of two brothers getting asked to be the best men at their brother's wedding. It is incredible and the most gloriously 80's video I've seen. People are crazy.

A montage of painful MXC eliminations? Sure, why not.

When did JGL officially transition from the dweeb in 
3rd Rock from the Sun and 10 Things I Hate About You to sex-machine? Good lord that man is ATTRACTIVE.


In honor of this week's #UltimateMadisonBucketList entry, I felt it was necessary to pay homage to a classic plate of Frances St. Ian's. Mac and Cheese, Chicken Penne Alfredo, and a copy of the Badger Herald. I can all but guarantee this was a between-class lunch - my way of 'rewarding' myself for going to an 11 AM class AND resisting the temptation to go home and sleep instead of attending the 1:20 PM class. You were such a good boy, Brandon! HAVE SOME PIZZA TO CELEBRATE

PS - I think I was definitely on #TeamBadgerHerald. And that was 99% attributed to Shoutouts and the bigger physical paper. As I type this I feel like the pawn of every marketing study that I always looked down upon, but the simple fact that the Badger Herald was printed on paper twice the size of the Daily Cardinal was for sure a huge factor in my preferring the Herald.

PPS - When it came to reading during class it was Daily Cardinal or bust, though. That's a given.

Triple PS - Do people still do Sudoku? It's only a matter of time until the puzzle page is replaced with some digital Sporcle section, which would be totally awesome now that I think about it. I KNOW ALL THE THREE LETTER BODY PARTS


I'm a huge fan of the way buildings look before sunset. SO WARM. Which is why I liked this shot that Lynn C. sent in. Chicago's a pretty city - I wonder if she goes out with one of the YANKEES.

(This is also a good time to remind you that if you ever have some good #foodporn or #skyporn, send it my way. I will gladly link to whatever Twitter/Instagram/website you'd like.)


I've been riding the train, bus, or both in Chicago almost daily for the previous 4 years. I've seen just about everything one can see on public transportation in this fine city. I've seen beggars and drunks. I've seen crackheads and public masturbators (not mutually exclusive). I've even seen a homeless Jew (BLACK UNICORN). But after all the insanity, it's the Average Joe's of the world that have no clue what they're doing on CTA that piss me off the most. Sure, buses have signs about using the rear doors, and 'L' conductors will make announcements about letting people off before boarding. But there are so many unwritten rules about how not to be a fuckstick while riding CTA that I feel compelled to start illuminating the world on how not to piss everyone else off. Let's face a very simple fact: 95% of the time you're on the train or bus, you're miserable. Either it's ass-crack of dawn early and you're going to work, or it's evening rush hour and you're crammed in like Dungeness with someone's armpit in your face. Doesn't matter. But it doesn't have to be that terrible. Let's begin.

You're standing by the door on the train. Awesome! That's my favorite spot, too! But stop fucking it up for everyone else!

In an ideal world, there are two acceptable spots to stand near each set of doors:

I have no clue how people can't figure this out. It seems so logical: you stand so that you can lean against the divider, allowing you to have two free hands to hold a book, play on your phone, adjust your junk, apply makeup, or do whatever the hell else it is you do on the train to keep from strangling yourself. Still, spitting in the face of common sense, I encounter a few groups of people all the time that need a slap in the face:


Oh, this person. This fucking person.

My favorite person in the world, Jon Taffer, likes to use a #BarScience instrument known as the #ButtFunnel. Essentially, a #ButtFunnel exists to disrupt the flow pattern and force patrons to rub up against each other. In a club when you're drunk and trying to get laid? LET'S BUTT FUNNEL, BABY. On the train at 7:45 AM? DO NOT WANT:

By standing perpendicular to the divider, you are decreasing the flow by 100% and forcing innocent commuters to rub up against you and struggle to pass through. Have I mentioned that you're doing this directly in front of the only nearby entryway/exit?



I carry my backpack to work Monday-Thursday. I like to bring a change of clothes and extra pair of shoes with me. When I'm on the train, I always take off my backpack and put it on the ground between my legs. You know why? Because if you're standing by the door and wearing your backpack, you suck:

I know that the floor of the 'L' isn't the cleanest thing in the world, but the bottom of your backpack is made to handle some rough terrain. If you're wearing your backpack and standing near the door on a crowded train, you're essentially telling everyone that you think keeping the bottom of your backpack spiffy is more important than them being able to enter/exit the train without plowing through you. And if you see someone doing this, you absolutely should drop a shoulder and plow through them.


When you're riding the 'L', you're only as good as 1) your train-legs, and 2) your hold. There is no better hold out there than a vertical grip on the divider pole. So to see someone leaning against it, preventing every person within their immediate proximity from having a good hold makes me confused. And a little angry. I especially worry about shorter people/girls. I can reach over a person and hold on to the top of the divider, but the 5'4 girl next to me? She's in trouble.

Be the bigger person. Don't lean against the pole.

PS - Guys - moving your hand up higher so the shorter girl next to you can have a more comfortable holding position is the modern day 'jacket on the puddle' move. Chivalry. Ain't dead. Do it.

PPS - One of my dream jobs is to be the Social Media & Eltiquette Coordinator SLASH Director for the CTA. If you know anyone that can make this happen, please let me know. I can change this city. FOR THE BETTER

*Without context, it's hard to know if this is the worst person on the train or my dream girl. #BackRubbingPoleHoarder

Last Second Triple PS - Literally 20 minutes after I finished this section, I hopped on the Red Line and encountered this:

DOUBLE Geometrically Impaired Perpendicularity Bulging Bag Dickwads! Oh, you should have SEEN the struggles people had getting by this clusterfuck of moron. Navigating this train was more difficult than half of the final challenge on Rivals 2 last night. I was just LAUGHING AND LAUGHING.

Also, this was my first time doing a sneaky iPhone Ninja PANORAMA. Lord, that was terrifying. My iPhone kept telling me to slow the fuck down and all I wanted to do was yell at it that I CAN'T slow down or they'll catch me, and whoa hey you don't tell a ninja to slow down.


I'm not feeling it. So many things working against us:

  • On the road
  • Night game
  • Playing a better team
  • Stave has been pretty weak
  • Fighting off some injuries in key places
  • Buckeyes playing to keep national title hopes alive
  • Urban hyping the game up as a message to his team
I could keep going. Truthfully, I don't really mind these games where I go in expecting to lose. A win? Gravy. A loss? Well, that's probably what should happen.

I'm not saying we can't win - OSU hasn't seen a rushing attack anything at all like what we bring to the table and we've stifled Braxton before - but I think everyone should just keep their expectations in check. Here's to a competitive game and Wisconsin keeping it close enough that we just might be able to steal a big one in Columbus. THE PICK:




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