Thursday, September 5, 2013

Tennessee Tech


  • Melvin Gordon touches. MGIII might be the most naturally gifted runner I've seen at UW, and that's saying something given the guys that have come through before him. Either way, he's a big play waiting to happen and I LOVE that he's embracing being Melvin Gordon THE THIRD. #MGIII
  • Cheese curds from Will's. Good lord they're SPLENDID. I'm not joking when I say I could very easily eat 700 curds during one game. I have some friends that don't really eat cheese, and every bite of a curd I take I can't help but think, 'This is a joy they'll never know. Bless their poor souls.'
  • Stave-to-Abby bombs. It's pretty damn obvious that our entire offense is built around a power run game that sets up the play-action vertical attack. And I love that - it's undoubtedly the smartest strategy given the pieces we have on the offensive side of the ball. The one thing here is that Sunshine needs to figure out this little underthrow issue he's got going on and start hitting Abby in stride. I have a feeling OSU cornerbacks won't let those underthrown balls reach Abby's hands.
  • Girls in red bows. Hot damn I forgot how amazing this time of the year is. BOWS EVERYWHERE. I've documented my love for this look numerous times, so I guess I'll just quickly plead for you not to ditch the bows, girls. NEVER DITCH THE BOWS.
  • Forced turnovers. Borland sniffing around a fumble? Good shit. Shelton grabbing a pick in his first collegiate game? GIMME SOME MO'. With an offense that isn't at the same level of the Tolzien and Black Jesus-led teams, our only shot of making a real run this year is with a defense that is molestando el quarterbacko and forcing him into foolish turnovers. I DID RESEARCH: The defensive coaches this year have been hammering home the importance of trying to strip the ball when another defender has him wrapped up. This is something the Bears have done for YEARS, and I've always wondered why no one else is out there teaching the same thing. Sounds like we'll see some of that with UW this season. Something to watch.
  • RAFFLE WINNERS. I FINALLY WON THE DAMN RAFFLE. And I won a freaking sundress. Oh well, WINNERS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS. I briefly considered putting it on, but then I realized it was a lady's small, I am not a small lady, and no one needed to see me squeeze through that thing like Ace Ventura being birthed from a Rhino. In the end, my roommate's girlfriend gets a new gameday dress, I feel like I've conquered the world, and I'm coming back to Will's HUNGRY FOR MORE.

PS - Annnnnnd down the YouTube rabbit-hole I went:

CHICAGO BADGERS: I feel like I'm starting to sound like a shill, but Will's was HOPPIN' last Saturday. And given that next week is Musky Fest, we can overlook the terrible opponent and safely assume another raging good time. More on Musky Fest later.

IF YOU STILL HAVEN'T VOTED FOR MY PICTURE WE'RE IN A FIGHT. Be the bigger person and END that fight. Go. Vote. Be proud of the good deed you did for the day.

LET'S go!





I guess Chuck isn't ready for football. HATER.

You see, this right here pisses me off. I don't like when other Brandons are out there FUCKING UP THE NAME. Has Brandon Ladane Robbins ever SEEN a hashtag before? I hope Tennessee Tech has a social media course, because this fool needs a lesson in hashtagging. EVERYONE should know you can't put punctuation marks in tags. Tagging 101. 

PS - 'Whoever is running the feed isn't in Henderson' - Henderson is the Chadbourne of Tennessee Tech, no doubt about it, not even looking it up, mark it down, guaranteed. NERD.

PPS - Pretty sure it should be 'whomever'.

Hmmmm.... I think Tennessee Tech might have a little parking issue on its hands:



On the flip side, if they have a squad full of Rudys I'm going to be very upset when we lose.


Truthfully, I saw that they were the Golden Eagles and I HAD to find a way to work that pic in. I cackle like a maniac every damn time I see it. So much anguish, so much disgust, so much HAPPINESS FOR ME THAT I GET TO LOOK AT THIS PICTURE ALL THE TIME WHEN I FEEL SAD. It's perfect.

The Marquette Gold. What in the actual fuck were they thinking.



  • Get a Shouout posted in the Badger Herald. Before Twitter came and the @UWShoutouts account opened for business, the print edition was without question the first thing you turned to when sneakily opening up a Herald in the back for your 350 person Psych 202 lecture (hated that class). A mixture of hilarity and the potential excitement of reading a shoutout about yourself ('SO to the cute guy in my Spanish class' OMG THAT IS TOTALLY ABOUT ME) made picking up a copy of the BH on a Wednesday a MUST. Seeing a Shoutout you submitted make the cut? HMFSO to me for confessing my love to a stranger anonymously via student newspaper! Probably not the best way to get laid (also, if you have a good Shoutout story - either about you or about one you submitted - please let me know).
  • Wait in line overnight for basketball/hockey tickets. REST IN PEACE. I'm pretty sure the policies have changed so much since I was a student that this isn't even an option anymore, but I shit you not when I tell you that waiting in line overnight with hundreds of other students was a BLAST. Most people just get drunk or stoned, everyone is friends with each other, there are pickup football games going on... it's a very jovial, happy situation. Bo Ryan would even come by and pass out pizza. Unfortunately, nerds started crying that they HAD to miss their Accounting 100 four-times-a-week-bullshit lecture, and the Athletic Department was forced to cave and abolish this fantastic tradition.
  • Get on the Pontoon Porch. Admittedly, I didn't even know about this until last summer when some friends invited me. But holy shit is this a good time. Get 20+ people, a dumptruck of booze, a bunch of food, and head out on a floating fucking cabin on Lake Monona. From there you just drink, swim, chill, and hopefully take in a hell of a sunset over the Madison skyline. I'm starting to think this may be more of an adulty/alumni thing, but I can guarantee 20-year-old-you would love the shit out of this.
  • It pains me that I can't even put Mifflin on here. I feel like the Russians have won.
  • Finally, one reader offered up this as something he was able to knock off his bucket list:

Got dome laying on my back on the motion W in Camp Randall. Alvarez was still coach and his office were the only lights on in Camp. The stars above were a welcomed view. Magic happened.

Fucking incredible/hate you and have since burned your email and blocked you from ever contacting me on the internet again. 

PS - Only time I've ever known a Shoutout was about one my friends:

ASO to the guy walking down State Street in Uggs, your father must be proud.

You know, for a LIBERAL town like Madison, that anonymous asshole certainly wasn't very tolerant of my friend's Muggs.


The Fastest 60 Minutes In Football vs. Chris Borland Is A God Do Not Attempt To Destroy Him

In my EXTENSIVE research of the Tennessee Tech Golden Eagles, I've determined that they play offense like bad Madden players play offense. Just run and gun, no-huddle, probably running all-verticals every snap. LOVE IT. That's the only way I ever played Madden, and it will not surprise you that whenever I played a good opponent, they throttled me. I'm expecting more of the same on Saturday. Their gimmicky crap may work in the bowels of college football, but when you're trying to out-gun one Chris Borland, you're gonna find yourself in a body bag faster than you can say IDK my BFF Jill (years later, still loving it).


The White Stripes - Icky Thump

I can only imagine the thrill in writing the PERFECT riff, and I'm comfortable calling the main chorus riff in this song perfect. Deliciously simple, yet impossibly catchy. So hard to strike that balance, and yet Jack White probably does it every single time he picks up a guitar. I'm now realizing I picked a White Stripes song last week but I don't care. You shouldn't either.

New Found Glory - My Friends Over You

Ugh. That's how I felt the day I learned one of the guitarists from New Found Glory was dating Hayley 'Perfect' Williams. Whoa hey looks like Hayley was home schooled, which is completely blowing my mind right now since I can't really trust anyone that was home schooled. CONFUSED LOVE.

M.O.P. - Ante Up

I'm so white.

Kelly Clarkson - Since U Been Gone

Fudge you, I listen to what I want.


Ylvis - The Fox

Whatever you're doing, stop, put headphones on, and watch this video.


Let's just stay healthy

Big game in the desert looms


OMG these Russians are playing with a monkey in the snow and I'm unfathomably jealous. LOOK AT HIM HOP! I've never seen a monkey see snow? I've never seen a monkey see snow! IT'S ALL SO ADORABLE.

You're in trouble!

My first reaction: Lenny is awesome.
My second reaction: That kid on the guitar can shred.
My third reaction: If I'm that kid that gets booted off the drums I will secretly hate Lenny Kravitz forever.
My fourth reaction that I just came up with: I guarantee that kid shredding guitar has a School of Rock poster hanging above his bed.

PS - It really does look stupid when EVERYONE is holding up a smartphone filming the same thing. Can't we all silently agree to let one person film it and just send it to everyone? Old people must think we're IDIOTS.


Sweet, sweet, Jack's... you will ALWAYS have a soft spot in my heart. Without question, the BEST frozen pizza around. It's been a while, but I think you can still buy them at Sam's Club in these wholesale 4-packs for like 18 cents a pizza. It's gotten to the point where my internal Jack's oven timer is more accurate than the atomic clock. I'm all over that shit. And if you ever serve me a frozen pizza with all-white, non-uniformly melted cheese I will throw it in your eye. COOK THAT SHIT RIGHT.


Sunrise at the North Ave beach. Well, I'm pretty sure it was the North Ave beach. We rented Divvy's at 5:30 in the morning after a night out and details like which beach we ended up at are a little hazy. But assuming you're not too drunk, I highly recommend doing this once in your life. Chicago's a different city when it's real quiet and the streets are empty. Plus, Divvy bikes have bells on them and ringing those when you're a little drunk is wayyyyy too much fun. BRRING BRRING


Like when the Chicago Tribune officially endorses a candidate for president, we here at the Badger Preview are OFFICIALLY ENDORSING Alison Shapiro for Musky Queen 2013. You might be asking yourself, 'Why would I vote for some girl I know nothing about?' FAIR QUESTION. Let's examine Ali's merits:

Set your time-machine to June of 1963. Throughout South Vietnam, Buddhists are being persecuted by the evil Ngo Dinh Diem. EVIL I TELL YOU. To protest this persecution, Vietnamese monk Thich Quang Duc set out to burn himself to death on a busy Saigon street. But who was there to extinguish his flames with the waters of Lake Mendota? I'll be damned if that isn't Ali Shapiro:

(That's water, not gasoline. I SWEAR. 10 minutes before sending this thing off I realized that the dirty water in her bucket kinda looks like gas. Slight difference when you're dealing with a man engulfed in flames.)

And yet, Ali was not done in the tumultuous year of 1963. Back in the States, racial tension was crescendoing to a fever pitch. At the end of August, Martin Luther King Jr. stood in front of 250,000 people in Our Nation's Capital and delivered one of the most famous and inspiring speeches this fine country has ever seen. Who made sure to be there in the front row supporting Dr. King and his dream? Looks like a future Musky Queen to me:

Years later, political corruption and economic reform led to massive student protests in Beijing's famous Tiananmen Square. In response, the Chinese government sent in military forces armed with assault rifles and tanks. Following days of bloodshed, one lasting image remained: a previously-unidentified individual standing up to a column of Chinese tanks. Well, let me put an end to one of the world's greatest mysteries: that unidentified individual was none other than Alison Shapiro.

But hold on: Musky Fest is a Wisconsin thing! People in Vietnam and China don't care about who wins Musky Queen, so why should you care about anything that's happened over on that side of the world? I can't really disagree with that. All I CAN do, however, is remind you of one pivotal moment in Wisconsin football history.

December 5th, 1993: UW travels to Tokyo to battle Michigan State with a berth in the Rose Bowl on the line. Barry Alvarez clearly had the Wisconsin football program heading in the right direction, but it had still been 31 years since the last time UW appeared in a Rose Bowl. I don't think I need to remind you of how that game played out. In one of the biggest moments in Badger history, Coach Alvarez was carried off the field on the shoulders of his players. Well, his players... and Alison Shapiro:

I ran out of ideas:

You get the point. And when you get to Will's on Saturday, make sure you find Ali and say 'hi'. She'll have food to bribe you with, and you better toss your votes her way. At the end of the day, NO ONE likes backing a loser. Vote for a winner. Vote for Alison Shapiro:



We are a lot better at football than they are. THE PICK:



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