Friday, January 10, 2014

at Indiana

WHOA HEY where'd Camp Randall go? Well, Camp Randall is in HIBERNATION because we get to put that somewhat-mildly-disappointing football season behind us and focus on the holy shit we're 16-0 hot-ass Badger basketball team.

And I LOVE this team! I do! They're awesome in pretty much every way imaginable. I've already alluded to this, but forget their skills and abilities - these kids are out there smiling, joking around, and reminding everyone that playing basketball is, at its core, supposed to be fun. AND I LOVE DOING FUN.

Of course, it's much easier to do fun when you're doing a lot of winning (#WinningIsFun - official Secondary Hashtag behind #OnWisconsin. Feel free to use #wiscONsin as you see fit.). And I know, most people are just now transitioning to basketball mode. You may have watched the last couple games, or saw that we were ranked in the top 5. But I'm here to throw in some extra BONUS FACTS so that you can pretend to be an expert.

BONUS FACT #1: Wisconsin is the only team in the history of sports to win games scoring in the 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, and 100s. I enjoy this bonus fact. I enjoy that we beat a good Virginia team on the road by scoring 48 points, and then we hung 50 on a ranked Illinois team... in the first half.

BONUS FACT #2: Wisconsin's 16-0 start is the best start in school history. I guess we had a couple of 15-0 starts back in the ROARING TEENS of the 1900s. I don't even get why they compare anything these days to those ancient decades. There's no way that 'basketball' was remotely entertaining. It's like Minnesota bragging about their football national championships. If it's so old that the players graduated and then enlisted for the war - the FIRST war - then I don't give a fuck.

BONUS FACT #3: There are two Tom Creans on the internet. One of them is this badass explorer who conquered Antarctica:


Oh yeah, the other Tom Crean. This warweasel:

Yeah, um, I'm just gonna resist all the Photoshop urges I have right now.

16-0. 3-0 in the Big Ten. A trip to Bloomington awaits. ROCK AND ROLL

PS - If nothing makes you look cooler than smoking a cigarette, then nothing makes you more of a badass than ripping an old pipe like that. I'm dying to know if he was originally just sitting there smoking his pipe and the photographer refused to go near him unless he held a bunch of puppies, or he was sitting there holding a bunch of puppies and refused to have his picture taken unless he could badass it up with his pipe.

PPS - Seriously do any shelters in Chicago offer sled dog puppies because you can sign me up for like 14 of them.

PPPS - If there isn't a hipster in Wicker Park trying to arrange a sled dog shuttle service, then I don't want to make fun of hipsters anymore.

CHICAGO BADGERS: A 6 PM game on a Tuesday is a real kick in the dick. Tuesdays are the WORST.

HERE'S A FULL SIZE VERSION OF THAT PICTURE I EDITED: In case you want to MARVEL at my craftsmanship.




1) Wisconsin, 16-0 (3-0). Flyyyyy highhhhhh

2) Michigan State,  14-1 (3-0). Scary good team. At all positions. Just big, strong, skilled, well-coached. But forget that for a second:

I love how whenever someone gets hit in the junk on TV, the announcers always dance very delicately around it. 'Boy, Bob, I think he got hit right, yup, that's a lower body injury if I've ever seen one.' Just ONCE I'd love to hear, 'Ooo, folks, he got hit right in the dick. That's painful, LEMMETELLYA'. This is one of my many dreams.

PS - Izzo really into the halftime interview:

3) Ohio State, 15-1 (2-1).  Aaron Craft's flops are in postseason form. As are his cheeks:

4) Iowa, 12-3 (1-1).  If we're just talking about pure fear, Iowa should be #1. Look at this monster:

There's murder in those eyes. Seething, maniacal murder. I'm terrified of the man. Maybe this is his master strategy - scare the shit out of everyone in his path.

5) Minnesota, 13-3 (2-1).  Minnesota has two kids with the last name 'Hollins', both from Tennessee, but they're not related. Which, of course, means that every single time Minnesota is on TV, you're going to hear this sequence: 'Andre Hollins probes, kicks it back to Austin Hollins NO RELATIONS I SWEAR THESE TWO ARE NOT RELATED'. I guess it's Announcing 101 to make sure that no one lives under the false assumption that they're brothers.

6) Michigan, 10-4 (2-0). Trey Burke: gone. Tim Hardaway Jr.: gone. Mitch McGary: out. Michigan fans: one less distraction from how pathetic their once-mighty football program is. GO BLUE

7) Purdue, 10-5 (0-2). Haven't watched a second of Purdue basketball yet this year, but if there's one shit team we shouldn't lose to that I can totally see us losing to, it's Purdue. And because of that, I despise Purdue.

8) Indiana, 10-5 (0-2).  Who's excited for Handshake City? I AM I AM I AM

Never change, Crean.

9) Nebraska, 8-6 (0-2). Everyone's so excited for this cold weather to disappear that they forgot that when a million tons of snow melts AND it rains, we're going to be kayaking around Chicago. I still don't get flooding. All that snow should melt and the water should just FLOW in all directions really fast and be gone. I suck at science.

10) Penn State, 9-7 (0-3). Finally finished Breaking Bad. Holy shit, that show is so legit. I won't get into detail since I know people are still fools like I was and haven't watched it yet. So let me just tell you: go. Watch it now. Keep in mind, however, that every episode is on Netflix except the last half of the final season. Because after you burn through 4.5 seasons, you really want to go hunting for the last batch of episodes.

PS - Updated Best Show Ever Rankings:

1) Game of Thrones (April 6th THIS YEAR bonerbonerboner)
2) Sopranos
3) Breaking Bad
4) Wire

11) Northwestern, 7-8 (0-2).  HUGE news in Evanston: we got a yarmulke on the court!

This is BIG. Accountants, bankers, ELITE BASKETBALL PLAYERS? If we're ever going to have a Jewish president, this is my pick. Presidents are ALWAYS former college athletes, and that's undoubtedly been the one thing preventing a Jew from ruling the White House. You can make fun of him if you want, but I'd be careful because by 2040 it will be very easy for President Liberman to have the CIA pull up your entire internet history and lock you up for Jew-hating.

12) Illinois, 13-3 (2-1). I don't know what that was in the Kohl Center Wednesday night, but it wasn't effort. How the fuck was this team ranked.


Sky Ferreira is a great looking girl so she gets points there. Recent ecstasy bust? Check. More points. Plus this song is tits and easily the best thing on her first LP. (JQW)

Not a big Drake fan but he kills his verse. As usual, DJ Mustard's beat is super simple and super addicting. (@DannyGoldin)

I have been somewhat enjoying this song. That's a minor miracle because I suck at finding new music.

If you asked me why I've been on such a Backstreet Boys/N Sync kick lately, I don't know what I'd tell you. When you're hot you're hot and when you're not you're not. And they're hot. You don't like it, that's on you.


I don't know a lot

But here's something I do know:

Bo Ryan owns Crean


The only cool part of this Polar Goretex misery is that there's some high-level SCIENCE happening. Like ICE BALLZ. How are they formed? What are they made of? Could you invent a fun game involving them? Do they look more like giant Cocoa Puffs or Coke-flavored Dippin Dots?

If Snoop tells you to do something, you do it. God, Snoop is so fucking cool. No one has ever told him he can't get high. That's because everyone knows that's like telling a normal person they can't breathe. FYI, I just call him Snoop because I'm never sure if he's a dog or a lion or something I've never heard of before. Much safer this way. Like calling someone 'man' or 'dude' when you don't remember their name, except no one forgets Snoop.

PS - Did you know Snoop was an active Reddit user? Yeah! He's an internet nerd just like me!

Titanic is a TERRIBLE movie to pick for a movie date night. 14 hours long, the girl will just fantasize about Leo the whole time, and yeah, LOOK CAREFULLY when the boobs come out. Look always at your mark, but don't stare.

People who abuse handicap spots are the WORST. But I think the handicap stall in the bathroom  is fair game, so maybe I'm just a different kind of maniac.


TOTCHOS! Get it? Nachos, but with tater tots instead of tortilla chips. THIS IS GOOD SCIENCE. Tots, ground beef, jalapenos, tomato, lettuce, melted cheese, and a little sour cream to smooth it out. Admittedly, I added some very unnecessary Sriracha to the mix, and my face was paying the penalty. But yeah, these are every bit as good as you think they are.

My roommates gave me shit for using a plate instead of a bowl, but who the fuck eats nachos out of a bowl? Bowls are for soup and ice cream and nothing else other than cereal which I just kinda forgot about. That's it. And dogs drink out of them. Do you eat nachos like a dog drinks water? Only if you're a freakshow. #TEAMPLATE #TEAMTOTCHOS

PS - If quinoa is served via the bowl then add that to the list. I don't know because I'd rather just give up and die than start eating quinoa.

PPS - Just looked it up, quinoa, your carb content, woof. Thought it was a health food. Free advice: if you're gonna get fat, don't do it eating something boring like quinoa. Pretty sure a cheeseburger without the bun is 10x healthier than a bowl or plate of quinoa. SOURCE: I had a real rough go in NutriSci. Anyone who tells you that's an easy class is a LIAR.


I feel kinda bad, because I'm still not sure who actually took this picture. I'd love to link to the original source, but I'm far too lazy to do some INTERNET SLEUTHING. Regardless, let's all admire the beauty of Chicago during sunrise when it's negative five hundred degrees outside. BEAUTIFULLY MURDEROUS.


We watch a lot of COPS in my apartment. Personally, I start feeling really bad after the 19th domestic violence case of the day. I don't like seeing children crying while their dopehead parents are comparing stab wounds to the po-lice. ANYWAY, COPS is always good for a few gems. And let me show you my little diamond in the rough:



(When I tell people I'm terrified of real drugs, this is exactly what I mean.)


I'm buying what this team is selling, and I'm buying in BULK. #HoosierTears, let's get 'em. THE PICK:



1 comment:

  1. Handshake prediction:

    After the yearly thrashing Bo goes in slow and cautiously, with a fake handshake first to see if Crean attacks. Crean almost dislocated the old man's shoulder and elbow last year.