Thursday, January 16, 2014

Michigan & at Minnesota

Whatever. I got over that IU game about 10 minutes after it ended. Do you know why?

1) We weren't going undefeated this year. I'm sorry, but as good as this team is, it's just too damn difficult to go through the Big Ten grinder without tripping up. Indiana had two top-5 picks last year and lost 4 times in Big Ten play - including road losses to mid-tier Illinois and Minnesota teams. These games happen.

2) They probably won't admit it, but there must have been some crazy pressure to keep all these streaks alive. 16-0 on the year. 12 straight against IU. Undefeated in conference play. Add it all up, and the result is a collective exhale. 'Okay, that sucked, but it's time to just ball out and not worry about streaks and records.' In my head every player on the team said or thought that after the game Tuesday night.

3) The road to a Big Ten Championship still runs through Madison. At WORST, we split with Iowa. And then MSU and OSU have to come to the Kohl Center. You couldn't ask for a better schedule. This obviously guarantees nothing, but you'd rather have our schedule than anyone else's.

4) I don't really care what seed we get, as long as we play in Milwaukee. Is the path to a protected seed in Milwaukee any more difficult to travel after last night's game? Not really.

5) I'm totally in favor of students rushing the court, even more so when it's Indiana storming after beating Wisconsin. Did any of your parents go to UW? If so, ask them if they ever, in a bajillion years, could have imagined Indiana winning a home game against Wisconsin and rushing the court to celebrate. We may not have the banners (and go fuck yourself if you brag about them and you're under 30 - you either weren't born yet or were too young to know what a basketball was), but we have the year-in and year-out success that Indiana craves.

6) If I had a choice between losing that game with Bo Ryan or winning that game with Tom Crean, I'll take losing with the coach who doesn't kiss his teenage son on the lips. Just fucking weird:


GAH. Freakshow City, population Crean.

Does it suck having that first loss come at the hands of CREAN? Of course. But this has been an incredible season so far, and there's so much basketball yet to come. The Road to Milwaukee resumes on Saturday. Michigan's coming to town, and WE DON'T LIKE THEM.

PS - Is Crean shaking his son's hand in that pic? If so, MAN ARMS ALERT. Also, who does Crean think he is pulling off this handshake-lip-kiss move? I don't even know if there's a relationship out there that would make this move look normal. Either you're not very close with a person and you shake their hand, or you're close enough with them to smooch so you incorporate a hug if you need more physical contact. Handshake-lip-kissing your teenage son is so bizarre that I'm starting to think it's some kind of LONG CON. Can't trust Crean.

PPS - I mean seriously, just look at those two pictures a little longer and let it marinate. Some people have nightmares about falling forever. I have nightmares about Crean just kissing his son on the lips for DAYS.





1) Michigan State,  16-1 (5-0). You can go ahead and circle February 9th on your calendar. Good chance that game will determine the Big Ten championship.

2) Wisconsin, 16-1 (3-1). Well, there's this:

In a perfect world, he'll never reproduce.

3) Michigan, 12-4 (4-0). Winning big is fun. It's relaxing. You can kick your feet up, crack a beer, and ponder your plans for the rest of the evening. But winning a close game has its perks as well:

4) Iowa, 14-3 (3-1).  Just such an ugly team. Like they decided to start a ginger farm and this year they realized they needed a horse. That's how my brain looks at Iowa: a ginger farm that recently acquired a horse:

5) Ohio State, 15-2 (2-2). 

Rectangular Rosacea Cheeks or Unibrow City? NOTE: Before you decide, keep in mind that you can't do anything to alter these. If you go with the crimson cheeks, you can't use concealer or any other makeup witchcraft to hide them. If you wanna fly your freak flag with the unibrow, you can't wax or pluck or shave the gap.

I'm taking the Craft Cheeks. I like that they engage when he's all worked up; when Craft really gets going, the cheeks flare up as if they're some animalistic warning sign to other mammals. Except instead of 'fuck off, get away from my nest if you want to live' they say 'fuck off, don't try to dribble past me if you don't want to turn the ball over'.

PS - I can't BELIEVE some enterprising Columbus hustler doesn't sell adhesive Craft Cheeks or fake Craft Cheek tattoos. I would NEVER make a free throw if the entire stadium had Craft Cheeks. So intimidating.

6) Minnesota, 13-4 (2-2).  I've said it before and I'll say it again: that stupid elevated court would only be cool if they make a moat surrounding the court with live alligators. Until that day, Minnesota basketball will be worthless.


PS - The only way this could be more Crean would be if he were drinking out of one of those baby Coke cans:

8) Purdue, 12-5 (2-2). I really dig Purdue's new strategy of never getting too high or too low in sports. Kinda like West Lafayette - there are some worse cities out there, and there are definitely some nicer cities out there. Just be somewhere between bad and mediocre and fly under the radar. If Purdue didn't breed so many astronauts, they'd be DeVry University with a slightly more impressive athletic program. SLIGHTLY

9) Northwestern, 8-10 (1-4). After Northwestern beat Illinois, I think we can finally, DEFINITIVELY proclaim them Chicago's Big Ten Team. Way to earn it, boys.

10) Nebraska, 8-8 (0-4). Some kids saw Nebraska football coach Bo Pelini at the airport and asked to take a picture with him:

Such a perfect picture. But he reminds me of someone...


11) Penn State, 9-9 (0-5). Took the blue line yesterday to pick up lunch for the office (thanks, Dimo's!). I went with a female co-worker. While we're waiting for the train, I see two skeevy looking guys with clipboards trying to get signatures for some bullshit petition to limit political terms or something. I brushed them off right away ('no thanks, I'm good'), so then they honed in on my co-worker. After she said she was busy, one of them told her he really liked her glasses. As they walked away, he said 'by the way, you have really nice hair'. Whatever. Creepers gonna creep.

We got on the next train and OF COURSE those boners followed us. One of them told me I didn't look like I was from Chicago and then started telling my co-worker that if she had some tape, she could get all the lint off her coat. Then as they stand up to get off at the next stop, the other guy just says, 'my balls are stuck to my leg'. The end.

12) Illinois, 13-5 (2-3). Every once a while, a movie starts playing on the premium channels and I can't resist it. Doesn't matter how far into the movie I catch it, I'm gonna ride it out. That movie is currently Zero Dark Thirty.


Rock & Roll here. Actually some people have coined this Beardcore because of the raspy voice and what not. I guess I'll allow it. Love the lyrics in this song. 'Even-keeled forever. Thought I'd never' (JQW)

Hard to imagine that such a piece of white trash could have made such a beautiful track. Skip to 0:40 for the start. (@DannyGoldin)

This one will grow on me I think.


Hello, Michigan

Do you remember Ben Brust?

He remembers you

Dear Minnesota,

Who the hell designed your court?

And how drunk was he?


I don't think I believed in getting second-hand stoned until this video. CNN sends a reporter to Colorado to do a report on legal dope, and by the time she's reporting back to the mothership, she is BONE STONED. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that if you sit in a limo with a couple of people ripping enormous joints, you might get a little high as well. Bonus points because she is ADORABLE when she's flying high.

Not to get all political, but how can you see her giggling and having a blast and tell me with a straight face that dope is harmful to people? Weed is a Super Soaker compared to the AK-47 that is alcohol. BUT DON'T MAKE BOOZE ILLEGAL BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE AN OVERREACTION

Taliban ain't no country I ever heard of

I'm completely divided on huskies. They seem awesome, but they have White Walker eyes, and apparently they bitch and moan about going in their kennel. I think I'm cool with dogs not speaking English going forward.

I'm such a sucker for awesome marriage proposals, and this one is fucking great. She's hysterical, he somehow prevents his voice from cracking, and the dog bopping around in the background is perfect. Is liking extravagant marriage proposals effeminate? EFFEMINATE THINGS I DIG:

1) Unique marriage proposals
2) The Sweetest Thing

I'm not putting sunsets on that list because if you don't dig sunsets, that doesn't make you a man. It makes you a moron. Giant difference.


Oh, you know, just a burger with chicken tenders, waffle strips, cheddar, bacon, maple raspberry aioli, and a maple syrup DRIZZLE. THAT IS A GOOD DRIZZLE. These maniacs do nothing but make outrageously good burgers. Someone remind me to get my ass to Kuma's Too before the month ends. I MUST try this monstrosity. #DRIZZLE



Absurd sunset in Boston Wednesday night. XXX #skyporn right there. Hardcore shit. I have this sneaking suspicion that winter sunsets are more badass than summer sunsets. Let me put it this way: if I could go back in life and DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN, I'd do some intense doctoral thesis on this very idea. Summer sunsets may happen later in the evening, letting more people bask in their glory. But winter sunsets are rare, intense, and sometimes juxtaposed against a white, wintry landscape - ENHANCING their intensity.

So yeah, I probably would have gone to Indiana where you can make your own major, majored in #skyporn (first ever hashtag major), and gotten a Masters Doctoral PhD in Advanced #Skypornography. It bothers me that I didn't think of this 10 years ago.



There's some DECEPTION here. He's not dressed like a hipster. He certainly has normal, non-hipster hair (hipstair?). But there he is, sitting on the ground at the Jackson red line stop, hammering away on a fucking typewriter. What in the actual fuck. What's he writing? Why is he doing this on the filthy floor of one of the dirtier CTA stops in Chicago? Is he hoping to get some tips thrown in his case there? I HAVE QUESTIONS. AND THEY REMAIN UNANSWERED.

You filthy little hipster, you.


Anyone can steer a ship through calm waters. But it takes a TRUE captain to bring a ship in to port through a stormy sea. After two months of nothing but smooth sailing, we've finally hit some choppy water. The clouds have darkened; the gentle breeze now strong enough to move your eyes to tears. What happens next? Send a message to Michigan and the rest of the league that we can take a punch? Or let the misery of defeat carry over? I think you know how I feel about this team. Fuck the weather. Just win. THE PICKS:




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