Thursday, January 30, 2014

#24 Ohio State & at Illinois

I'm still on the bandwagon, but the bandwagon took a sudden turn recently. We're no longer trucking along towards a Big Ten title. A top-4 finish in the conference is possible, but no longer likely. So do you know where the bandwagon is heading now, on this new route? Straight to the Final Four.

Because we are officially the BIZARRO BADGERS:

Before? Elite defense, up-and-down offense, limited athleticism. Now? Bad defense, elite offense, multiple athletes.

Before? Churn out enough wins to finish in the top-4, win a game or two in the tournament, and get eliminated by a hot shooting team. Now? Slide into March after a disappointing conference season, shock the world, BE that hot shooting team.

It all makes way too much sense. Bo finishes in the top-4 of the Big Ten every single year. And every single year, we come up short in March. Now he's gonna finally break that top-4 streak, and the only logical consequence of that is a deep run in the tournament. THIS IS HOW I SLEEP AT NIGHT.


I'm obviously disappointed in how quickly this whole thing came unraveled, but I will never jump ship. As long as Bo is the conductor (I'm just mixing and matching train and boat metaphors, deal with it), I'm down for whatever. Let's get all the shitty play out of the way now. The pressure to win a Big Ten title has subsided. Tighten up that D, and by March, the shots will be falling again. I feel it. In ma bones. UP IS DOWN. DOWN IS UP.

PS - Just now realizing after spending far too much time massaging that picture into existence that I should've put this year's team on the Bizarro Seinfeld clan instead of on the normal Seinfeld clan. UGH

PPS - I still don't know if the opposite of 'hello' is 'goodbye' or 'badbye'. Elaine was just fucking with Jerry, but she accidentally made a really intriguing point.





1) Michigan, 15-4 (7-0). This:

This is a fine development.

2) Michigan State,  19-2 (8-1). They're gonna get healthy and win the National Championship. Unless the Bizarro Badgers get in their way, there's simply no shot anyone else beats them in March. Repulsive.

3) Northwestern, 11-11 (4-5). We lost to these dildos AND the Yarmulke Wildcat didn't play. Such bullshit. 'Yarmulke Wildcat' sounds like a play Prince would call. Computer Blue. Yarmulke Wildcat.

4) Iowa, 16-5 (5-3).  Riding the train home from work yesterday, I noticed a guy reading an interesting book:

LOOK AT THIS FUCKING DOPESTER. He's just chilling on the L, reading Cannabis Cultivation: A Complete Grower's Guide like it ain't no thang. I guess I just thought it was real cute that he's taking notes and everything. I'm not judging. It's not like he was reading The Beginner's Guide To Cooking Meth or something really devious. It's more fun to think that he's just trying to stay a step ahead of the future legislation legalizing dope in Illinois. Laugh now, but Leaf will be rolling in dope money down the road.

I named him Leaf. He was rather Nordic looking.

PS - I tried sneaking a better pic to figure out the name of the book and hot damn I'm such an artistic iPhone Ninja:

I wish I could track Leaf down and give him this pic so he could make it his profile picture, but that'd be pretty difficult because I doubt Leaf even has a Facebook page these days.

PPS - He was using one of those pens that lets you flick the little switch at the top to change colors. CLASSIC Leaf:

I think the hand models were on strike.

5) Minnesota, 15-6 (4-4).  HEY LADIES SHOW ME HOW YOU SELFIE


Can't un-see it. 

6) Penn State, 11-10 (2-6). It's like they heard me LOUD AND CLEAR. Not only did they get their first Big Ten win, but they went ahead and got their SECOND when they beat OSU in Columbus. You may now return to irrelevancy.

7) Nebraska, 10-9 (2-5). My family's been either manually wiping paws or just not giving enough of a fuck for YEARS. I have no idea how someone pulled off this miracle:

8) Purdue, 13-7 (3-4). Nah.

9) Indiana, 13-7 (3-4).  This poor little goalie:

10) Illinois, 13-8 (2-6). If he doesn't get his shit together, he's gonna grow up and turn into this guy:

11) Wisconsin, 17-4 (4-4). And HANG ON WAIT A MINUTE. Why did no one tell me Wisconsin's goalie is named Joel Rumpel? I should have known about this immediately. Joel, if you're reading this, listen to me: You need to take advantage of this blessing of a last name you have. And that's going to require some sacrifice. You need to give up on your NHL dreams and play professional hockey in GERMANY. Rumpelmintz (unofficial spelling) will sponsor the hell out of you. Your water bottle? Painted to look like a Rumpelmintz bottle. Customized goalie mask? Dueling Rumpelmintz bottles with flames shooting out of them. You'll make millions of Deutsche Marks and retire a happy and rich man.

Congratulations. You've got the greatest life ever all laid out. Lucky guy.

12) Ohio State, 16-5 (3-5). Boy this UW/OSU game has lost a little luster, hasn't it?


Van Morrison is Them. Beck sampled this riff in a song you probably know. It's an oldie but a goodie. (JQW)

Going to jail is never fun. Maybe one day Bieb's can write a song this catchy about his experiences. And maybe one day the Badgers will stop their losing ways. (JQWx2)

I've never really been a big Kendrick guy (haven't really listened to him much), but this performance was by far the best one I saw at the Grammys. Maybe I'm just a sucker for a good mash-up. I don't know. What I do know is that muting out swear words offends me more than a swear word would offend an overly-politically correct parent, and therefore, muting swear words is OFFENSIVE.

PS - I just wanna bang that big-ass drum so badly.

PPS - No idea why dressing like mental patients is considered a good look.

PPPS - Sometimes it's nice to know that when it comes to dancing, I'm not the whitest person in the galaxy:

4PS - I wish Taylor would make a music video with this girl so the world would just collapse upon itself:

Alright for real? That one always makes me physically uncomfortable. Cringe City, population me.


A bittersweet day

One last Madtown stop for the

Aaron Craft Cheeks Show

Champaign is special

It's where I lost my V-Card

My SONIC V-Card:

I got a burger

With an onion ring on it

Served on Texas Toast:



Oh yeah, good idea, be the guy running his mouth at the poker table. That seems to work out pretty well for you.

PS - If you're watching closely, it really sinks in when his wrist goes limp. That's when he fully processes what the fuck just happened to him. Awful beat, bro.

This might be a top 10 all-time nutshot. If this happened in Call of Duty, I'd think it was hilarious. But to happen in REAL LIFE? Incredible.

MORE NFL BAD LIP READING! I love this stuff.

Oh fuck me that's adorable. LOOKIT THE LITTLE PUPPY! I want it. I want 12 of it. I want to just be the king of the puppies.

I approve of this mash-up.


Oh it's WHOOPERCHEESIE time at Superdawg! I LOVE WHOOPERCHEESIE TIME. If you've heard of Superdawg, that means you either a) grew up in Chicago, or b) resorted to watching Hot Dog Paradise when nothing else was on. And it's true: Superdawg makes one hell of a hot dog. It's one of the few hot dogs I'd safely place outside of the meaty part of the hot dog bell curve of deliciousness. That's because I think most hot dogs are pretty 'meh'. But not Superdawg's.

WHOA HEY THAT'S NOT A HOT DOG THOUGH. You are CORRECT. Because as good as a Superdawg is, the Whoopercheesie is sneakily one of my favorite burgers in Chicago. I got three words for you: Best. Onions. Ever. Sure, that may sound stupid. But you've got to trust me on this: Superdawg's grilled onions are DIVINE. I'd say the vast majority of burger shops take giant slices of onions, grill 'em up until they're mushy, and then toss them on a burger like that's a way to live your life. NO. The geniuses at Superdawg chop their onions up into tiny little rectangles, and that way they maintain some of the crunch that an onion should have.

Do you remember Chiclets? Do you remember TINY Chiclets?

Superdawg's onions are basically those, except made out of onion instead of gum. And I would LOVE a pouch of grilled Superdawg onions. I'd 100% rip a bag open and chug 'em down like candy.

PS - Superdawg is pro-UW, in case you needed another reason to go there. The founders of Superdawg had three grandchildren go to Wisconsin, which is cool.

PPS - EVERYTHING at Superdawg comes with fries, and they make the best crinkle cut fry in the business.


Oooooo, hot-looking sunrise in Denver. SPEAKING of Denver, I saw some people being alllll '60 degrees in January in Denver? YOU IDIOTS SHOULD LIVE HERE INSTEAD, IDIOTS'. That's cool, but let the record show that it was 63 degrees in Chicago in late January last year. So you're not special. But yeah, I actually think Denver would be a sweet place to live. Especially if they can guarantee me constant #skyporn like this.



I think technically we're due for a couple wins. I remain optimistic, which is probably stupid. THE PICKS:




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