Thursday, November 6, 2014

at Purdue

Well. Ain't that some shit. Walking out my building Monday morning, I did what any warm blooded American male in his 20s would do: pulled out my phone, popped in the 'buds, and went to fire up some T-$wift. Every good day starts with shaking, something I've always believed. But what the fuck? 'Shake It Off' isn't in its usual place at the top of my favorites playlist. And it's not in my other playlists I've added it to. Hmmm. Maybe someone TAMPERED with my Spotify playlists. Domestic terrorism at its finest. NO WORRIES. I'll just search for Taylor... Sw... THERE SHE IS! BOOM, BACK IN THE GAME. Now I just star 'Shake It Off' and... wait. Where is 'Shake It Off'?! Where is all the Swiftness?

Predictably, I had basically the worst day of all-time. I don't even care that she removed her entire back catalogue. But shakeblocking me is way too much. Yeah, I get it: she makes more money off CD purchases and iTunes downloads, so removing from Spotify funnels people towards those avenues. But it also reminds me of everything I HATE about the music industry. Here I am, paying money for Spotify every month like a good little boy, and T-$wift just takes a dump in my face like I'm some dirty internet pirate.

Naturally, I cried on Twitter because I don't know any other way to cope with tragedy. Turns out, I wasn't alone:

Did Spotify Support just call me 'b'? Clearly everyone is rattled here. Yeah, we can always YouTube songs... but what about on the Red Line in the spooky tunnels when there's no service? What THEN?

Really been through an emotional Swift roller coaster these last few weeks. First I was down, then I was way up, now I'm rock bottom.

PS - Can I be the first one to point out that ripping your music from Spotify is SUCH a hate hate hater move?

CHICAGO BADGERS: Who's excited to start watching big hoops games at Will's? I AM I AM I AM. So far I've done a pretty good job of not gushing about the hoops team here - that will change. And soon. In case you didn't know, the season officially tips off next Friday. Big games are on the horizon. We are going to be so good. SO GOOD, SO GOOD

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR: MOVEMBER has arrived. Per usual, I'll be growing out my heinous attempt at a mustache. If you'd like to donate to support the #blondestache and everything it's doing to help men's health, feel free to click HERE and donate. I appreciate your generosity and care.




6) Michael Dhuey

NBD, just the guy who invented the Macintosh II AND the iPod. Those haven't been significant contributions to the world we live in or anything. The Macintosh II was basically the first personal computer EVER. I bet some people at the time were giving him shit, saying he was wasting all his time on this fad 'computer' thing. MICHAEL DHUEY RETROACTIVELY LAUGHS AT YOUR IGNORANCE.

Is it bad that I think the iPod is the more important invention? The nerds over at Microsoft and IBM were gonna eventually figure out how to make a computer (NOTE: I have literally no idea what I'm talking about). But we saw what happened when Microsoft tried COPYING the iPod, let alone designing that sucker from scratch. Who in their right mind preferred a Zune to an iPod? Psychos, serial killers, and foreigners were their top 3 demographics.

I was an MP3 HIPSTER. All over them shits before having MP3s was even COOL. I also bought an MP3 player before I could drive. You wanna know what my first MP3 player looked like?

That thing looks like 2 triangles trying to scissor. It's comprised of roughly 8 different shades of grey. Navigating all those sweet features (voice recorder!) was BAFFLING. 64 MB of storage meant like 15 songs with you on the go. I bought this sucker on eBay when I was 14 years old and I thought I was the COOLEST. 'Oh, your CD player is skipping and doesn't fit in your pocket? Oh, you gotta go BUY a CD like a SUCKER just to listen to new music? IDIOT'

I was not the most popular kid in middle school.

But the point is that without Michael Dhuey's brilliance, we'd all be walking around with a bunch of rave MP's like morons. Getting the technology right is only half the battle - getting it to work well and fit in a convenient shape is just as important. Thank you, Michael Dhuey, for saving me from a life of raveMP misery.

PS - I actually regret my raveMP purchase 0%. Now that I think about it, this is probably why I still listen to the same music over and over: going everywhere with only 15 songs FORCED repetition on me at a young age.

PPS - Love this from an actual raveMP review in 1999:
It took between 20 and 30 seconds for the parallel connection to load a single track to the RaveMP and 8 minutes to fill the player's entire memory with music. That's quick when compared to the 15 plus minutes modem users need to get just one song off the net, but quick is a relative thing. 
The RaveMP's ability to expand to 96MB, alone, makes it one of the top picks in the present MP3 player market. It's ease of use and great sound quality will not disappoint users. Type A personalities may eschew the parallel port for a unit with a USB connection, but with almost a third of existing Pentium machines older pre-USB models, many buyers will find this is the best choice out there for them. Final Score: A- 
PSx3 - Terrifying tidbit from Dhuey on Steve Jobs:
Dhuey recalls that people would dread getting into an elevator with Jobs. If you got on at the 4th floor, you’d better have captivated him by the time you got off on the 1st. Jobs remembered you when you had a great story to tell. He also remembered when you didn’t.

“He would ask you what you were working on, and people started to dread that question,” chuckles Dhuey. “Everyone started preparing questions to ask Steve in case they accidentally got in the elevator with him. A good question for Steve would keep the pressure off you.”
GAH. That's awful. I'm yet to take an elevator ride with the CEO of my company, but I'm still COMPLETELY mortified that I'll say something stupid: 'Don't you agree it's really hard to remember which way to turn when you get off the elevator? I get spun around so easily!'

PPPPS - Michael Dhuey, NOT a man-about-town. Respect.


6) Frank Lloyd Wright
7) Butch Vig
8) Anders Holm
9) William S. Harley
10) J.J. Watt

Honorable Mention: The Daddy-O of SpaghettiOs


1) Michigan State, 7-1 (4-0). You're telling me that MSU is playing OSU this Saturday and it's IMPOSSIBLE for them to both lose? Ugh.

2) Ohio State, 7-1 (4-0). We are WAY overdue for Adorable Animal GIFs. MY BAD:

Brandon's Personal Journal. 11/5/14:

11:52 PM - I've watched this dog with the hot feet approximately 7,000 times. Hard to say which set of feet are cuter: the high stepping frontsies, or the low-and-slow rearsies. Perfectly still hound-head is complicating all matters via cuteness. Will most likely stay up several more hours to examine and make a decision.

11:54 PM - Just noticed the swig swagging booty popping tail. Giving up on life and succumbing to death via cuteness. Someone please delete my browser history.

3) Nebraska, 8-1 (4-1). I don't decide it's time to go to bed based on what physical time it is. Sometimes 10 PM feels like 3 AM. Sometimes I'm wide awake and I look at the old clock and it's 1:30 AM. That shit's too fickle. Nope. For me, it's time to go to bed when the channel I've been watching switches over to some OFFENSIVE programming. For example, whatever channel 184 is on Comcast in Chicago used to show Office reruns from 11 PM - 12 AM. PERFECT. And I was always good to go. Sure, sometimes I started to fade during the second episode (getting old OH YEAH). But I never was prepared to go to bed until this Mancow atrocity of a program came on. The second I saw the intro credits for that shitshow, I'd always grab all my remotes and power down the whole room. TIME FOR BED, BRANDON

But things changed. The syndication schedule got ALL MESSED UP. My Office reruns have been virtually eliminated. Now I have Seinfeld from 10 PM - 11 PM. You know what comes on after? KING OF QUEENS. Have you ever watched this show? NO YOU HAVE NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT 47 YEARS OLD FROM PALOOKA, MISSOURI. Good god. What did I just watch? You wanna know what I just watched?

Fat main actor guy who is TOTES outkicking his coverage goes to karaoke night at the local bar with his wife and some friends. Fat main actor guy is reluctant, but needs to SCORE SOME POINTS with his more-attractive-than-he-is wife. So he goes to karaoke, and begrudgingly starts singing a song... and all the sudden he's KILLCRUSHING the whole thing! LOOK OUT, good time to point out that I'm drunk and listening to 'Since U Been Gone' on repeat.

Anyway, Fat main actor guy gets home and gets an email from CutesiePie38 on his laptop. The noise his machine makes when he gets an email is roughly the sound of that terrifying fog monster the Union blasts off when it's time to summon the sailors home on Mendota. Turns out CutesiePie38 LOVES his voice. And she thinks his arms are handsome. He has fat arms!

The rest of the episode involves Fat main actor guy (presumably the king of queens, which is either a play on the area of NY or a demeaning way to refer to his wife and mother) trying to be slick emailing this chick without his wife realizing. If there's one relationship truth I've learned vicariously through other friends, it's that the second you start leaving a paper trail in your inbox, BAD TIMES A COMIN'.

Predictably, Fat main actor guy's wife catches wind of his email shenanigans and realizes that the only reason they keep going to karaoke is so he can try to impress CutesiePie38 with his sweet voice and hot arms. Fat main actor guy's wife... NOT IMPRESSED.

So the episode culminates with them at the bar, and Fat main actor guy thinks he spots CutesiePie38, so he runs out of the joint to his car, and then the girl he thought was CutesiePie38 passes him a note through the window telling him to turn around. As he does, a face emerges out of his backseat and it's a SERIAL KILLER ready to wear his skin as a casual Sunday suit. NO IT'S NOT. It's his best friend who's been running a long con on him because Fat main actor guy told the friend that he wasn't a good practical joker. I am completely dumbfounded at the lack of shock upon seeing a face emerge from his backseat. I spent my entire high school life sweeping the backset for murderers before even turning the car on. I saw I Know What You Did Last Summer. I'm well aware how the murder game works.

Yada yada yada, the Game of Thrones theme song just came on my Spotify and if Fat main actor guy were a Game of Thrones character, he'd be the jester that Littlefinger used to get Sansa out of King's Landing. Boom, roasted.

Can't recommend enough never watching King of Queens while drinking. I'd give that shit zero stars if I could.

PS - I think the Fat main actor guy was in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, which I still have no idea why I saw in theaters. Who made me do that?

4) Wisconsin, 6-2 (3-1). There's a good chance you weren't paying attention - it was the 4th quarter for a 30+ point blowout - but did you catch the drunk guy belting out 'Sweet Caroline' on the broadcast Saturday? 

It was loud and awful and hilarious. And many of us were left wondering, 'how the hell did that guy get his voice on TV like that?' The answer eventually rose to the surface:

Well isn't that just PERFECT! Sweet Caroline guy was just a drunk Wisconsin bro who found a LIVE MIC at the stadium and decided to try to drum up some SPIRIT.

PS - That picture, when combined with the story, is literally the most beautiful Wisconsin thing I can think of this side of a bucket of cheese curds washed down with a Spotted Cow. Someone alert @ShitGirlsSay that I can't even right now.

5) Iowa, 6-2 (3-1). If you could have dinner with any three people - ALIVE OR DEAD - would you or would you not choose Hayley Williams and pass on the other 2 so you could have more one-on-one time with Hayley?

6) Maryland, 6-3 (3-2). Lost to Wisconsin by a million, beat Penn State, hey maybe this Western division ain't so bad!

7) Minnesota, 6-2 (3-1). The internet was really boring this week, and I'm only as good as the internet is.

8) Michigan, 4-5 (2-3). Shake Shack opened in Chicago. This should be bigger news. I know the RedEye has been covering it live like it's an ongoing act of terrorism. And I applaud that. But shouldn't this be DOMINATING the local newscape? Shouldn't newscape be a word, like a news landscape? It's possible I'm just drunk and love burgers, but all I've ever heard from New York is that everything is hella expensive and elitist jawing about how they have Shake Shack and we don't. Well well well, looks likes you've been reduced to an overly expensive, non-exclusive burger town. SUCK IT, NEW YORK

9) Penn State, 4-4 (1-4). BREAKING: Fara from Homeland got hot:


BTW, how we all feeling about Homeland right about now? I'm way on board. This show has gone from elite to shitty to solid to good. That's not bad! I'm totally feeling everything they got cooking right now. SPOILERS ABOUND, but I LOVED them capping Aayan last episode. That kid had no chance. Here's a free tip: on any show where people die somewhat frequently, the second they show a non-essential character in PURE BLISS, he or she is going to die almost immediately. Once we saw Aayan chillin' hard on that slab with his jeans all rolled up like a hipster, we should have all known he was bout to get GOT. And thank Allah he did, because I was SO over his fling with Carrie. Carrie is the worst. But she is simultaneously the BEST. It's difficult to pinpoint exactly why I like this show so much.

MAYBE it's because the last episode of the season SPOILER CITY will have Carrie and Saul about to be executed until Quinn's MOTEL LOVER reveals herself to be a former terrorist turned CIA spy who saves the day! YES! I miss drunk Quinn and his curvy lover. I need to go to bed.

10) Rutgers, 5-4 (1-4). Ooo, #10! Double digits!

11) Illinois, 4-5 (1-4). If you could learn the real answer to ANY mystery in the world (aliens, JFK, the pyramids, 9/11 loljk), but you'd die on the spot if you EVER let the truth slip... would you want that knowledge? We're talking even if you anonymously post on some random message board that aliens are REAL, you drop dead right there and then. No fucking way I'm taking that chance. I can barely keep a secret about a surprise party. If I knew the truth about ALIENS, I'd just hide in a bunker for 50 years to make sure I didn't accidentally let it spill out.

12) Northwestern, 3-5 (2-3). FYI, we lost to this team. Just making sure everyone remembers that.

13) Indiana, 3-5 (0-4). 6 of IU's 13 scholarship players on the basketball team have been in the news for ALL the wrong reasons in the last 6 months: underage drinking, fake IDs, failed drug tests, getting drunk and running over their teammates with cars... it's been a trying year for CREAN and his program. But maybe I'm just a hate hate hater. LET'S ASK HOOSIER NATION:

You can't possibly understand how excited I am for Wisconsin hoops this year. Let me just tell you that the ongoing dumpster fire that is IU basketball is a close second. Crean is about to crash and burn so hard. It will be magical.

14) Purdue, 3-6 (1-4). I'm a be perfectly honest with you: a little taken aback by how many people didn't IMMEDIATELY get my Halloween costume:

Okay, fine, the Android people didn't need to get it because they use remedial devices better left for the people that grew up using Mad Catz controllers while convincing themselves that they were 'just as good' as the normal controllers. But the iPhone people that didn't get it until seeing the actual emoji and THEN being all 'OMG I GET IT!'? Do you even emoji? Ugh.

PS - In case you were wondering how to really confuse a Marshall's employee, just be a 28-year-old guy asking where the female headbands aisle is. Not sure she was ready for that question when I walked up to her.


If you don't use this song I'm going to be very disappointed. (@ashap922)

LA band that was suppose to blow up in 04; they never did but I still thoroughly enjoy their first album. This is a demo of the album version but I couldn't find anything else. (JQW)

Unquestionably one of the top played songs on my raveMP. Rocked this song so hard back in '99. Listening to it now I can FEEL myself sitting on an airplane, raveMP in hand, coolest dork in the skies.


Dave Aranda's Nasty D vs. Purdue Just Lost Their Best WR

Should we just keep this going? I think every matchup to watch from now on has to be our nasty ass D against whatever poor offense has to go up against them. We're reaching the point where national writers are starting to take notice that the defense in Madison is turning into a monster before our eyes. Caputo, Landisch, Biegel, Hillary... these guys are all playing at all-conference levels. Herring would be up there too if he were healthy. And it would surprise no one if Shelton got back to his balling ways.

In short, this defense has been absolutely incredible, and there's still plenty of room for improvement. It may not be chock full of NFL bodies, but they're playing very well together, they're well-schemed, and no offensive coordinator out there is looking forward to finding a way to beat them.

PS - Speaking of defense, Chris Borland doing work racking up 18 tackles for the 49ers last Sunday. NBD.


Well, this should be fun

Crush Maryland and Rutgers

Now poop on Purdue


I thought last week's lay up/free throw/three pointer/half courter video was the most satisfying ever. That guy was awful and needed every inch of the rim to drop his shots. I think Drake Freshman Alex right here might take the cake, though. 3 attempts at the layup, a miracle banked three, and then the buzzer beater half courter just might top it. This guy had the WORST form. If you're a righty and your right foot flies forward when you shoot a basketball, there's a good chance you really like chilling and tossing a frisbee around. Add in the jewfro and I'll be damned if this guy's every played in a competitive game of basketball in his life.

But that didn't stop him from shocking the world and bringing the Drake house down. So awesome.

Being a kid is the BEST:

"I don't wanna waste a whole bottle!"
*uses an entire bottle of wine*

"It's gonna explode!"
*adds more carbonation*

I guess I never thought about this before, but cleaning red wine off a white ceiling has gotta be one of the top 10 worst things to have to clean up:

"Mom, I accidentally exploded red wine on the ceiling, dad knows about it, I'm going to Bobby's house, bye!"

Immensely enjoyable. Either that female co-anchor is trying to make an example of him, or maybe she's got something up her ass.

PS - As someone who spent too much time saying, "I don't dance", I've never realized how wrong I was. You don't dance? The fuck you don't. You get your ass out there, and you dance your fucking ass off.

PPS - Billy Madison quotes for DAYS.

3PS - OMG the internet is a beautiful world right now:

So perf.  


Corned beef/pastrami from Perry's Deli in Chicago. BILLION DOLLAR IDEA time: a deli that serves basically this exact food, but in non-gluttonous portions at non-unnecessarily high prices. That's the worst part about bomber delis, right? $13 sandwiches with enough food to make you crave nothing but a nap an hour later. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE me a giant corned beef/pastrami sandwich. They're the tits. But for lunch purposes, I'd much rather spend like $8 on a normal-sized sandwich.

I do not consider the 'half sandwich' option to be a compromise. If you tell me it's a half-sandwich, I will DEMAND the other half. This is bullshit. Just make the normal sandwich $8 with a fair amount of meat and offer the JUMBO for $13 with a cubic ton of pastrami in it. Bam, just invented practical deli.

PS - IDK if you've ever been to Perry's, but they have a STRICT no phone policy. Some might consider this as pretentious as hot dog joints not offering ketchup to their customers, but I have no problem with it. If you DO get caught playing Bejeweled on your phone at Perry's, the guy behind the register blasts this AWFUL noise on some speakers. Then the entire restaurant starts peering around, trying to find the culprit. You do not want to be the culprit.

PPS - So basically I sacrificed culprit status to snag this pic. #foodporn dedication at its finest.


Yes, GO AWAY LEAVES. My ONLY chance at catching #skyporn from my current apartment depends on these trees shedding their leaves. Unless... I buy a ladder and stand on the top of it to take pictures OVER the trees! PERFECT. Except the thought of standing on top of a ladder on a balcony makes me quiver.

Speaking of heights, the weirdo walking on the wire across the river in Chicago was the DUMBEST thing. The act itself? Okay, maybe some of it was KINDA cool. But that guy was fucking bizarre. Listening to him narrate as he did it, praise Jesus, God is good, just too weird for me to handle. That it's a family operation makes it all the weirder. Some people are born into families that run the local diner. Others are born into families that own a department store. But this clown was born into a WIRE WALKING family? What an awful draw.

I need to travel back in time and thank my great-great-grandfather for not sending the Rifkins down the narrow, terrifying path of professional wire walking. THANK YOU GRAND PAPPY RIFKIN








  1. There gotta be comments. Gotta be.

  2. Manny's Coffee Shop & Deli...bomber or just right?

    1. It's at the top of my list - I still haven't been. Heard nothing but amazing things, though.