Thursday, November 13, 2014

#13 Nebraska

Do you want to know what my biggest problem is right now? I WISH I liked this T-$wift/Kendrick mash up more than I do. I wanted to love this. Anything 'Shake It Up' should be gold and then some. But WHOA look out, the Hood Internet (what is that) mash up has already been deleted off the internet! You want me to guess why? BIG RECORD LABEL caught wind of someone using 'Shake It Off' without giving them 104% of the proceeds and IMMEDIATELY issued a cease and desist. That's how the music industry works these days.

And that's why I'm STILL pissed at Taylor for excommunicating herself from Spotify. The CEO of Spotify absolutely nailed it with this post. Dear god, how many weeks can I lead with Taylor? This is downright crazy. I'm moving on. #luvuSwiftness

PS - Did deeper googling and apparently it's NOT actually removed from the internet. That's awesome! But if it were up to me, this is still a million times better:



I do not care what your thoughts are on this video. The energy alone carries this shit to the top. Only thing I would change is making them not dress like insane asylum escapees. And also I would let Kendrick swear because every time it cuts out for a naughty word I have to check my speakers to make sure they still work.

PS - It's probably weird that I get goosebumps from this jam, but I do.

PPS - Even after I wrote about it, I still checked my headphones cable to make sure it was plugged in when they censored for swear words. Ugh.



CHICAGO BADGERS: You know what? I think Will's is gonna be POPPIN' this weekend. It's a huge game, it's at 2:30, all signs point towards 'Shake It Off' blaring at 2:25 on Saturday and us raging until we beat those losers from Lincoln. I know things have been tame lately, but let's bring it back in a hurry. Football in the home stretch, LET'S DO THIS

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR: My #blondestache is disgusting and it's itchy and I hate it and you should donate so I can justify my existence. HERE you go. Thank you.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: ABC, BACK IN THE GAME!
WEATHER: 30, SNOW, DO THIS, DO IT SO HARD IN THEIR FACES






THE BEST WISCONSIN ALUMNI

4) Tom Skillings



OL' TOMMY SKILLINGS. I'm gonna level with you all - I sleuthed out Tommy 'Two Tone' Skillings' email address and I reached out for an interview - but he IGNORED me! Crazy, right? I know! Apparently, telling him 'Hi Tom, I write a blog about Wisconsin football and chicken tenders and Taylor Swift and occasionally baby elephants, can we sit down for an interview?' doesn't work. I WAS SHOCKED LIKE YOU WERE. So instead of having some adorable stories about Tom being a stoner when he was an Atmospheric and Oceanic Sciences major while simultaneously leading the charge on Mifflin when Mifflin stood for something, I have to consult Wikipedia and the rest of the internet to fill in the gaps. Before we get to that, let's cover why people hate Tom Skillings:



Few people are the bearer of worse news than Seńor Skillings. Oh, it's gonna be DANGEROUS RECORD COLD WAVE CITY? 'Hey Chicago, I'm Tom Skillings, I have the worst news possible for you. Stay tuned here on WGN to find out how you're going to die, NEXT!'



'Congratulations to those of you who survived the winter, guess what, tornado comin' and it ain't takin' names, I'm Tom Skillings for WGN, have a great night and don't die too hard!'

The worst Skilings thing ever?
He also predicted the 2011 Chicago blizzard in January two weeks before it hit Chicago.
Not only that, he was shooting promos after it!


You're probably thinking, 'Brandon, why you hating on Skillings when he's your #4 best Wisconsin alum EVER?' TOTES a fair quesiton. Maybe I'm just super jelly that he didn't respond to my interview request. But maybe THIS is the final nail in the weather coffin:
Tom is the older brother of Jeff Skilling, the discredited former CEO of Enron.
Oh. That seems fascinating. Shall we dig deeper into the life of Jeff Skilling?
On March 28, 2001, PBS's Frontline interviewed Skilling, where he claimed for Enron "We are the good guys. We are on the side of angels". On April 17, 2001, Skilling made a famous comment, "Thank you very much, we appreciate that... asshole.", in response to Richard Grubman saying "You know, you are the only financial institution that can't produce a balance sheet or cash flow statement with their earnings."

Skilling unexpectedly resigned on August 14 of that year, citing personal reasons, and he soon sold large amounts of his shares in the corporation. Then-chairman Kenneth Lay, who previously served as CEO for 15 years, returned as CEO until the company declared bankruptcy during December 2001. When brought in front of congressional committees, Skilling stated that he had "no knowledge" of the complicated scandal that would eventually result in Enron's bankruptcy
Is it weird that I actually believe him? I've read this stuff over and over, and I don't think Jeff Skilling really did anything questionable here. He got a smartass question from a reporter and returned the favor. He decided he wanted to spend some more time at home, so he retired and sold his stock. And then when they tried to TRICK him into spilling beans he didn't have, he answered honestly and simply. Sounds like a classic BIG GOVERNMENT squeeze job if you ask me.


Previously:

5) Michael Dhuey
6) Frank Lloyd Wright
7) Butch Vig
8) Anders Holm
9) William S. Harley
10) J.J. Watt

Honorable Mention: The Daddy-O of SpaghettiOs




BIG TEN FEAR RANKINGS

1) Ohio State, 8-1 (5-0). No one cares, let's get on to the most important thing I've seen on the internet in YEARS

2) Wisconsin, 7-2 (4-1). 



3) Nebraska, 8-1 (4-1). IT'S SO GOOD



4) Michigan State, 7-2 (4-1). AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE SAY, MMMHMMM

5) Minnesota, 7-2 (4-1).



6) Maryland, 6-3 (3-2). THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE SAY, MMMHMMM

7) Iowa, 6-3 (3-2)LOOK OUT, STRONG TAKE CITY!



I wonder if LAwish knows that he (come on, it's clearly a guy) is simultaneously both everything that is wrong with the world and the internet, all wrapped up in one neat little internet comment package. I bet this guy could beat me up!

8) Michigan, 5-5 (3-3). It's so hard for me to wrap my mind around how good this basketball team (Wisconsin, not Michigan) is going to be. But honestly, as important as that is, I can't get over how much fun this team is to root for. They're hilarious. They love college. The sit around playing Mario Kart like normal students. Such an agreeable group of hoopers, heeding the guidance of the best coach in the world... poised for greatness. #MakeEmBelieve

9) Penn State, 5-4 (2-4). Does anyone remember when Christian Hackenberg & Associates was supposed to be the NEW HOTNESS in the B1G? PENN STATE RESURGENCE! Yeah, that worked out well.

10) Rutgers, 5-4 (1-4). Let's keep going with that:

Stave: 54% completion percentage, 6.9 yards/attempt, 5 TD/4 INT, 120.0 QB Rating
Hackenberg: 56% completion percentage, 6.4 yards/attempt, 7 TD/12 INT, 109.3 QB Rating

11) Illinois, 4-5 (1-4). The problem is that the idiots out there compare Sunshine to some mythical All-American QB. He doesn't have to be that. He's NEVER had to be that. The worst thing that's happened to this team was GA and Ludwig naming McEvoy the starting QB. That was a decision that wrecked the entire season.

12) Indiana, 3-6 (0-5). TO THE MAGICAL DOG SHRINKER WE GO:



OMG I want a Magical Dog Shrinker so badly!

13) Purdue, 3-7 (1-5). It was cute while you made the game interesting. TRIVIA TIME: This was the first year Purdue held Wisconsin to under 9,000 yards rushing in 4 decades.

14) Northwestern, 3-6 (2-4). I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW WE LOST TO THIS NERD TRAINWRECK. Instead, here's how to deal with asshole parkers who take up multiple spots:



Things got SO real in his brain. Poor little wiener bad parker guy.

PS - I remain eternally envious of the people who crusade against terrible parkers via hilarious signage and funny notes. Those people are fighting the good fight in ways we mortals can't even approach.


PPS - That's a drunk PS if I've ever written one.




RANDOM MUSIC WE'RE DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK


If I had to name the best rapper in the game who's yet to score a Billboard top-40 hit, I'd probably say Krit. He's incredibly talented, both as a lyricist and producer. He also just came out with a new album this week - a bunch of nice tracks, my fave was probably "King of the South". (@DannyGoldin)




I can change Rifkin. (JQW)




Well isn't this song just the most adorable little pop song!




MATCHUP TO WATCH

Dave Aranda's Nasty D vs. Nebraska Running Back Ameer Abdullah

Oh yeah we're going to keep this going. After weeks of beating up on crappy teams, Aranda's D is finally ready to face off against an elite threat. Wisconsin fans don't want to hear it, but Abdullah is right there in Gordon's class. He's an elite running back that can make even the best of defenses look silly. And since he and MGIII have this little rivalry going, you know they're both ready to one-up each other.

However, Abdullah is coming off a knee injury. Word out of Lincoln is that he's wearing a knee brace. Sure, that's technically good news for Wisconsin's chances of winning. But I really wanna see what happens when our defense goes against an elite running back. I remain oddly confident that our D will come out on top.

Hopefully that happens on Saturday.



THIS WEEK'S GAME IN HAIKU

I can't lie to you

Was ready for hoops season

But this should be fun



YOUTUBE



Having lived with multiple guys for years, here's something I've learned: if one of the roommates wants to wake up early and clean the joint, then there is NOTHING you can or should do to make fun of him. I get that this video is pretty fun - the dog basically looks at the camera all 'Yo, you gotta see this shit'. But this guy is ripped and cleaning and I'm willing to guess that every single girl reading this right now is hoping he lives in their zip code.

In conclusion, this guy is killing it right now.



Well this is just perfect. Shall we countdown the top moments?

1) Ground Zero


2) "I gotta see what to do... dingaling!"

It's downright mind bottling that Jack's dad is calling someone a dingaling. I don't even know how to WRITE dingaling. Is it ding-a-ling? That seems kinda silly. Clearly, Jack's dad is not pleased.

3) "Not to mention, it's all over your AWESOME shirt... I said, 'don't microwave it, don't screw around.' Whatchu do with a BEAUTIFUL shirt on, and get it in your eyes?"

Jack's dad was CURIOUSLY concerned about Jack's beautiful shirt. This part makes negative sense. Jack has molten glow in the dark goo melting his retinas, and yet Jack's dad is one track minding about the awesome shirt Jack is wearing. Who the fuck bought that shirt, where is it from, and how awesome is Jack's shirt?

4) Jack KILLCRUSHES mom's spider thing



At this point it starts to feel like a rehearsed comedy sketch. 'I can't see!' Jack says as he barrels into the counter, destroying mom's spider thing. We can conveniently ignore the confusion surrounding what mom's spider thing was - Jack was just on tilt here. Molten glow goo in the eyes, beautiful awesome shirt ruined, dad sick of his shit... kinda feel bad for Jack.

5) "Am I ever right about anything, Jack? Am I... ever right? Can you ever listen?"

Holy shit, that dad guilting is top shelf material right there. Hard not to get the feeling that dad is a little sick of Jack's shit by now. It's a damn miracle that Jack hasn't blown a finger off with some fireworks. Dad knows it's only time. Dad knows his son probably shouldn't reproduce. But dad is a champ and only wants the best for Jack. So Jack will keep on flushing and repay mom for her spider thing.

Honorable Mentions: The annoying home phone ringer (my family has the same shit, it's obnoxious), "Oh I'm sure you're sorry now, Jack, you can always be sorry after." (#dadguilt times a million)




So this is Tosh brutally killing ESPN.



#FOODPORN



SHAKE SHACK PARTY! A burger with cherry peppers and bacon, fries, Shackmeister Ale, and a concrete custard thing with chocolate toffee and peanut butter sauce. In a word, DELIGHTFUL. We went at 4:45 to beat the lines, and it was DEFINITELY worth it. I likened Shake Shack to a hybrid of Culvers on steroids and 5 Guys. I'm sticking with that. The food is awesome, the custard is legit, and selling beer makes it an actual destination. I wouldn't wait in line outdoors in this weather, but it's for sure worth your time if you can get inside immediately. Very welcome addition to the Chicago burger scene.



#SKYPORN



#CRANEPORN in Madison. So cool. I checked back, and I'm pretty sure I haven't used this picture before. I ran across this one from the official UW-Madison Instagram account - they regrammed a crane operator who took the original shot. Ever since I've seen this picture, I've been eternally fascinated with cranes. They're building a giant building on top of the building adjacent to my office, and we've been lucky enough to watch every step of the way. SO MANY CRANES. I love it. Every day I give my entire office a crane forecast like I'm the Tom Skillings of craneology. No one likes me. But it's okay! LOOK AT THE CRANE TODAY! I know all about luffing jibs and other stuff that I can't name right now because I only remember luffing jibs. #CRANEEXPERT

PS - You know what? I LOVE me some Instagram. But I have absolutely no idea how to regram someone. Do you take a screenshot on your phone and crop it? That seems like a half-assed method. How does that look on the internets? Do you download one of those regram apps? I'm completely lost. I don't think I really want to regram someone, but if I had to, I'd have no clue.



PREDICTION CITY

Hey Nebraska, your Big Ten debut called, they wanna lose again.

THE PICK:

WISCONSIN 37, NEBRASKA 4



***


ON WISCONSIN

2 comments:

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