Thursday, November 27, 2014

#18 Minnesota

Kind of unfortunate that Thanksgiving and #HateWeek have to coincide. Last thing we should be doing this week is hating, but Minnesota is coming to town and this is the biggest UW/Minny game in at least a decade. That requires proper hating. I'm sorry, Swiftness.


Sure, I could point out (again) that the last time Minnesota beat Wisconsin in football YouTube wasn't invented yet. I could probably google up a bunch of fun little facts like that. But let's let the flagship @UWMadison and official @UWBuckyBadger Twitter accounts handle the burnage.

Okay I'm also distracted with the cuteness. NEEDS MORE HATE

Nothing better than grabbing some logs and building a nice fire this week. Eat it, Goldy.

Oh man, I love that for like a million reasons. Poor Kelsey Finger (terrible name) didn't even mention @UWMadison, and yet they came flying in out of nowhere to roast her brain. That's excellent hustle.

PS - Admittedly, all the alumni/alumna/alumnae/alumnus stuff is really confusing. Part of me felt kinda bad for Kelsey Fingerlinger but then the other part of me went back to laughing at this girl's mentions when the hot fire burn got retweeted like 200 times in her eyes.

PPS - Not a lot of love for Minnesota in the Google Game:

PPPS - I don't know if you've heard, but they're changing up the Axe procedure on Saturday:
The axe, a longtime symbol of the rivalry, will remain in the UW locker room until late in the game. Once it becomes clear which team will win, the axe will be placed in the end zone nearest the locker room of the winning team. UW's locker room is near the north end zone; Minnesota's locker room is near the south end zone.
This all stems from the game last year, when the Badgers (obviously) won and then went to chop down some Gopher goalposts - AS IS TRADITION. They waited for Minnesota to sing their lame ass fight song and then tried getting all lumbersexual on the field... only to have the pathetic Gophers HOLD THE LINE and prevent them from chopping. This is stupid. Things started getting heated, and it was about to be a full-on riot if some coaches didn't get in there and de-escalate.

So I'm guessing after we win on Saturday, we'll stand around and let the proper amount of time pass, allow Minnesota to go in the locker room, shower, board their bus, and then we'll gets to the chopping.

Fucking with tradition when you really don't need to. Not a fan.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Oh, hello Mr. 2:30 Game, nice to see you again. Unfortunately, Thanksgiving makes it tough to round up a crew. I'm sure people have retreated to their home bases. Enjoy your weekend, peoples.

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR: LAST CALL FOR MOVEMBER DONATIONS. True story: my boss was shocked and upset that I had more money raised than him. So if you donate, you can help me beat my boss! Wait, this sounds like the opposite of what I should be doing. You can donate HERE.




2) John Bardeen

JOHNNY BOY BARDEEN, probably the smartest man that has ever lived:
The only person to have won the Nobel Prize in Physics twice: first in 1956 with William Shockley and Walter Brattain for the invention of the transistor; and again in 1972 with Leon N Cooper and John Robert Schrieffer for a fundamental theory of conventional superconductivity known as the BCS theory.
LOOK AT THE BIG BRAIN ON JOHN. TWO Nobel Prizes. What in the actual fuck. How does one become so smart and accomplish so much? I woke up before 11 today and was PROUD of myself.

The transistor might be the most underrated invention ever outside of the iPod and these automatic reclining chairs that I'm currently sitting in. If you've never sat in one of these chairs that have switches to raise/lower the leg rest and recline you, you've never lived. Going forward, I will only sit in chairs that have to be plugged in. That's a sign of a high quality sitting experience right there.

The transistor revolutionized the electronics industry, allowing the Information Age to occur, and made possible the development of almost every modern electronic device, from telephones to computers to missiles. 
NBD. Just enabled the Information Age (so much nerdier than the Stone Age) and invented all these cool things:


Do you think a guy like Bardeen had a resume? What would it look like if he kept it to one page? I wonder if he was proficient in ranch.


3) Jim Lovell
4) Ol' Tommy Skillings
5) Michael Dhuey
6) Frank Lloyd Wright
7) Butch Vig
8) Anders Holm
9) William S. Harley
10) J.J. Watt

Honorable Mention: The Daddy-O of SpaghettiOs


1) Ohio State, 10-1 (7-0). BIG NEWS: The Jurassic World trailer has surfaced. Given that Jurassic Park is my all-time favorite movie and I want an excuse to use a million pictures here instead of trying to be creative, let's do some JURASSIC WORLD TRAILER ANALYSIS.

Here's the trailer:

2) Wisconsin, 9-2 (6-1). 

So Lex 2.0 and Timmy 2.0 are basically Chris from Homeland? CAN THEY EVEN HACK?

3) Michigan State, 9-2 (6-1).

This was the first case of goosebumps, in case you were wondering. ELITE doors.

4) Minnesota, 8-3 (5-2)

What could POSSIBLY go wrong when we put humans inside little gerbil balls on an island filled with dinosaurs.

5) Maryland, 7-4 (4-3).

This seems a LITTLE Sea World-y. Didn't John Hammond promise me this was not an amusement park? Also, does this mean there are DINO SEAMONSTERS? Well isn't that just delightfully terrifying.

6) Iowa, 7-4 (4-3)

DINO SEAMONSTERS CONFIRMED. How's that food chain demotion treating you, SeƱor Shark?

7) Northwestern, 5-6 (3-4). 

'This movie looks so FAKE!

-Everyone, until they see the scene where every single person in the crowd is taking Instas and Snaps of the Seamonster chewing that shark. SUCH REALISM

8) Michigan, 5-6 (3-4). 

Still not entirely sure what we're looking at here, but it has to do with the genetically modified dinos that the sultry redhead running the park mentioned. It's almost like these people don't learn. I bet the genetically modified SUPERDINOS will be on their BEST behavior.

9) Penn State, 6-5 (2-5). 

And herein lies my concern: not down with the Pratt casting. We need RUGGED MASCULINITY, not this pretty boy Hollywood crap. Give me some no namer trying to make a name for himself over this galaxy guardian any day. I hope he proves me wrong.

10) Rutgers, 6-5 (2-5). 

Well I'll be damned. The gerbil balls did not work as intended! WHO COULD HAVE FORETOLD SUCH CALAMITY

11) Illinois, 5-6 (2-5). 

I don't know who this guy is but I can GUARANTEE he will die in the movie. I will make this bet with 1,000% confidence. Look at him. He's got Anonymous Security Guard written all over his mustachioed face.

12) Nebraska, 8-3 (4-3). 

Well that's a little on the nose, isn't it?

13) Purdue, 3-8 (1-6). 

Dinos crashing the Margaritaville party, real shitty move.

14) Indiana, 3-8 (0-7). 

CHRIS PRATT HAS TAMED THE RAPTORS AND STARTED A MOTORCYCLE GANG WITH THEM. I am SO excited to see the science they used to make the raptors do a face turn like this. OMG I want a pack of raptors to do my bidding so badly.

June 12th cannot possibly get here soon enough.


I wish I liked these guys more at an earlier time. My kinda sound.

This has moved to #1 in my Spotify Power Rankings in the Post-Swiftness era. I know this has been a jam for some time by now, but I'm just getting into it so you can just let me go.


Dave Aranda's Nasty D vs. Minnesota's Banged Up and Overmatched Offense

We're reaching the point now where I'm legitimately worried that Aranda is gonna bolt for a head coaching gig sometime soon. He's up for the Top Assistant in College Football award (working title), which is simply another sign that he's getting some real recognition around the country.

Please don't go, Dave. We like you. Madison's a great place to raise a family. Stay a while. Hang out. Have a beer.


Hey Minnesota

Been a pretty good decade

Bet you got smooth hands

(I think that's like a lumberjack joke about them never working with an axe. I'm sorry.)


This is a mama golden retriever playing with her gaggle of puppies. It's 7:30 PM on Thanksgiving and I have had several beverages and I'm trying to convince my little brother to go get second dinner ready. I am not going to type a lot of words right now.

I LOVE bad CSI technology. People take this show seriously and that makes me sad for America.

PS - It's close, but nothing tops the TWO PERSON KEYBOARD:

Emmy-winning stuff there.

I really hope one of them yelled 'EJECT! EJECT!' and they both actually decided to eject as a result.


Bacon cheeseburger, fries, onion rings, and Sprecher root beer that I cropped out because they didn't put ice in it and it looked old and flat without ice even though it was really fucking good. I was very confused by the lack of ice. Isn't the standard to give too much ice unless otherwise specified? To just default to no ice seems batshit insane to me. I think it actually tasted a little worse. Could be mental.

Also, I'm a root beer ELITIST. I only drink the FINEST root beers. So basically I only drink Sprecher's and little mom and pop shop homebrew. Root beer's a goofy ass thing.

PS - This is from Kopp's but I shouldn't have to tell you that. I think this is 3 consecutive trips to Milwaukee where I went to Kopp's before I even got home. It just so happens to be located exactly halfway between the Amtrak station and my house. How the fuck am I not supposed to go get this.


My friend sent me this one from Florida. And this is the yearly reminder of how much I despise people in tropical paradises for Thanksgiving. Oh, cool, you're on a beach drinking manmosas while the rest of us are shuttling from Point A to Point B while spending as little time as humanly possible outside because it's an ice-covered wasteland. I'm so thankful that we're friends and you don't invite me to your paradise Thanksgiving retreats.



Fuck no we're not giving them our axe.





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