Thursday, February 12, 2015

Illinois & at Penn State

I've always had a lot of respect for the UW-Madison Police Department. Being police in a big college town seems like a cushy job, but I can't imagine it's easy. Drunk people are IMPOSSIBLE to reason with. Most of the kids are coming from sheltered little backgrounds where mommy and daddy were there to get them out of any trouble they may have wandered into. But from my experiences, the police in Madison were always pretty fair.

Fast forward a few years after graduation and UWPD has evolved to the point where they're tweeting with college football coach parody accounts and getting picked up by national media sites. Pretty sweet. But something caught my eye on Twitter the other day that really shook me:

Fucking A. That's awful. And it's not like Rex was just some ordinary, run-of-the-mill K9 dog. Rex was the fucking ELITE SECRET SERVICE of the K9 unit:
He was called upon to protect countless national and international dignitaries — sitting and former presidents, vice presidents, first ladies, presidential candidates and other high profile politicians, entertainers, and even the Dalai Lama. Driscoll said their protection of His Holiness was the highlight of his protection duties with Rex.
Rex was a goddamn HERO. Kinda dog you wish you could take your boots off with at the end of a long day sniffin' bombs and crack open a cold one or two. And, EARS. Look at Rex's magnificent ears! Those are the ears of a dog you want on your side when the terrorists come. German Shepherds actually smell through their ears, so the bigger and pointier ears on a Shepherd, the better they are at sniffing out bombs. Needless to say, Rex could sniff with the best of them.

I've lost a dog before. It's absolutely miserable. My family's dog gave us every reason to dislike him. We had an in-ground pool and he was PETRIFIED of water. He shed like a goddamn yeti. He'd take off at lightning speed the second he saw an opening to escape, making us search the whole damn neighborhood for him. He wasn't about 'fetch'. But he was our dog, and nothing else mattered. I can only imagine what it felt like losing a HERODOG like Rex.

PS - 
Aside from his hard, dependable work, Rex was well loved at the UW-Madison Police Department. Every morning, for nearly 11 years, Rex brightened everyone’s day by making his “morning rounds” – going from office to office to say hello, and asking for a treat. Sometimes he’d even make an afternoon round.
I want a Rex in my office.


Sleep well, sweet prince.

CHICAGO BADGERS: If the Badgers play a game on #SecondSaturday and no one drinks during it... did it even happen? ALL HAIL #SECONDSATURDAY. At this point everyone that knows me HATES me because I've been mashing #SecondSaturday down their throats every single time we happen upon a weekend blessed with a #SecondSaturday. Working on President's Day? HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR THE FOUNDING FATHERS? I don't even know if there's an intersection betwixt the Founding Fathers and the presidents we celebrate on President's Day. All I know is that I don't have to work and therefore Sunday is officially henceforth known as #SecondSaturday (this weekend only).


TV: CBS (lol)



1) Wisconsin, 22-2 (10-1). Like a German Shepherd with giant ears, I've caught a SCENT. I think I've narrowed down the identity of our #SpiritAnimal - the Adorable Old Guy behind the broadcasters. My sources tell me he is Roy 'Bad Bad Leroy' Ayers of the Ayers Furniture store in Ridgeway, WI. What am I going to do with this information? IDK, probably nothing. I'm just happy that the INTERNET came through and tracked this guy down.

If we win the National Championship I'm going to buy something from Ayers Furniture. I won't commit to any specific item since EVERYTHING on their site says 'call for the best price' instead of listing a price, but I promise you I will make a purchase from Ayers Furniture in Ridgeway, WI if we win the whole fucking thing.

LAST SECOND UPDATE BREAKING NEWS ALERT: We have our second #SpiritAnimal!

FRANK KAMINSKY GOT A PUPPY AND HER NAME IS KHALI WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY A SNEAKY GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. Boom. Roy 'Bad Bad Leroy' Ayers and Khali - leading the #SpiritAnimal charge for the #juggernut.

2) Ohio State, 19-6 (8-4). That D'Angelo Russell kid, so hot right now, should probably go to the NBA next year so we never have to deal with him in the future.

3) Purdue, 15-9 (7-4). Was watching the Blackhawks game last night and couldn't get enough of this girl taking selfies with her friend:

I like to think the progression was:
  1. "Ooooo, my hair looks GREAT!"
  2. "Is there a booger hanging out of my nose?"
  4. (can't even)
4) Maryland, 20-5 (8-4). THANK YOU for hanging on and beating those Hoosier fools. Need them to keep falling back to earth.

5) Michigan State, 16-8 (7-4). So the #Swiftness is just the greatest person ever and kept a smile on her face even while getting screwed at the Grammys. What a trooper.

And I have no idea how 'Shake It Off' and/or 1989 didn't win ANY Grammys. How was 'Happy' even in this year's show? Didn't that song come out like 3 years ago? If Hayley didn't win Best Rock Song then I was ready to raise hell all over the world. Gotta get your girls' backs.

PS - Look out, Kanye and #Swiftness are gonna hit the studio together. Records are made to be broken, right? Because every fucking music record in the world is gonna get shattered when #Swiftyeezy drops.

6) Indiana, 17-8 (7-5). You lose and you KEEP losing if you know what's good for you. We can still make the NIT here. I BELIEVE

7) Illinois, 16-8 (6-5). I guess they have momentum. That's cool. Let the juggernut show you what happens when momentum meets juggernut squash.

8) Michigan, 13-11 (6-6). On a whim, I made myself a standing desk yesterday. DID YOU KNOW that standing desks prevent obesity, cancer, heart disease, AND diabetes? And you burn more calories standing than you do sitting? BAM: standing desk.

I stood in front of that thing ALL DAY. My conclusion? MISERABLE. I have no idea how people do it. Maybe it gets better after a week or two. Maybe my makeshift laptop stand wasn't high enough. I don't know. I just know that my back was sore and for the first time in my life I started looking forward to meetings so I could sit down. This was an 8 hour experiment.

PS - Love the random acts of Twitter support:

Literally don't even need friends when you have Twitter.

9) Nebraska, 13-11 (5-7). What a bust of a team. Don't get me wrong - I knew they weren't going to be as good as people were saying - but holy hell they are something truly special to watch. Petteway just jacks up shots all over the damn court, his teammates hate him, and his coach can't stand him. He should've been T'd up at least 3 times. Probably the worst body language I've seen on a court in years. What a trainwreck.

PS - Thank god we didn't choke that one away. I could not have been more excited to delete that abomination of a game off my DVR immediately after the final whistle.

10) Iowa, 15-8 (6-4). Another game, and more eye pokes from Adam Woodbury. Gotta love how Fran handled a question about it:


PS - Okay, it got a chuckle out of me:

“Coach McCaffery has stuck up for me since day one, and I love him for it,” Woodbury said. “I can’t ask for much more. When a coach believes in you, it gives you a lot of confidence to do what you do.”
I can't stop reading this quote and assuming 'confidence to do what you do' means 'encouragement to keep clawing people in the eyes'. Scumbag City, Population Iowa.

11) Penn State, 15-10 (3-9). If Penn State were relevant, people would be more frustrated that D.J. Newbill has been in college for 14 years. Quietest 21/5/3 season you'll ever see.

12) Rutgers, 10-15 (2-10). I came across this ranking of pizza toppings today and I am OFFENDED. Here's her top 10:
  1. Red Onions
  2. Prosciutto
  3. Hamburger
  4. Anchovies
  5. Pepperoni
  6. Whole Roasted Garlic Cloves
  7. Bacon
  8. Actual Italian Sausage
  9. Chicken
  10. Shrimp
Literally everything about that list is wrong. It's WRONG. Red onions number 1? Those are like the 3rd best onions. HAMBURGER? Are you dense? Is this your #3 favorite pizza?

Perhaps she would ACTUALLY prefer a pizza with globs of garlic on it instead of having a sausage, bacon, or chicken pizza. PERHAPS. Either way, I cannot let this injustice stand. Here are the OFFICIAL pizza toppings rankings.

IMPORTANT: we're talking a normal pizza with marinara and cheese on it, and you can only have one topping on the pizza. So pineapple can't ride ham's coattails the same way red onion can't tag along with BBQ chicken and bacon.
10. Garlic. I love garlic like everyone else does, but it's a pretty weak topping on its own. "Hi, can I have a large cheese pizza with garlic?" You're a weird person if that's your order, but you're fucking insane if you'd order olives or hamburgers instead.

9. Non-caramelized White Onions. Red onions are by FAR the worst onions. They're tolerable in a greek salad. I'll deal with them on a sandwich when I have no other options. But they can fuck off on my pizza. White onions are tasty and add a nice crunch if they're raw-ish.

8. Chicken. Chicken comes in many shapes and sizes, and it's def a solid topping choice. I could gnar a chicken pizza and be very content. But on the pizza topping meat continuum, it's kinda weak.

7. Giardiniera. BRING IT ON. Hey, you Chicago person, next time you get a pizza from Lou's or Pequod's or any other spot here, have them add giardiniera as a topping and write me a long email thanking me for opening your eyes to this (should be a) national treasure.

6. Bacon. The weird thing is that bacon is basically ELITE at everything but being a pizza topping. It does great to enhance chicken on pizza, and you're not making a meat lovers without bacon. But the quality of bacon on a pizza has too much variance to vault it up higher. I'm sorry, bacon. I obviously still love you and mean no disrespect. We've been through so much together.

5. Banana peppers. Now we're talking.

4. Caramelized onions. GIMME. I could eat a pizza with just caramelized onions on it and be beyond happy.

3. JalapeƱos. Hot damn do I love jalapeƱos. Good flavor, excellent heat, solid crunch... they really do it all. If you don't like spicy food then I'm really sorry because your life is not whole.

2. Sausage. Bonus points if we're talking about chunks of Italian sausage hand-ripped and thrown onto the pizza. That's the good stuff. Triple bonus points if we're talking about Pequod's or Rocky's sausage. They are the gold standard of pizza sausage.

1. Pepperoni. There should be no argument about this. The pepperoni pizza is what our forefathers fought for. ALLITERATION AND PIZZA ARE MY FAVORITES. The crazy thing about pepperoni is that there's really not any bad pepperoni out there. Yeah, you can undercook your pizza and the pepperoni will suffer as a result, but that's about it. Little pepperoni, big pepperoni, under the cheese, over the cheese, IT DOES IT ALL. It pairs well with everything. It brings joy to the world. LONG LIVE PEPPERONI

13) Minnesota, 15-9 (4-7). We still have to play this team twice and part of me is kind of scared because they've really seemed to give us issues recently. But then the other part of me is like JUGGERNUT don't carrreeeee.

14) Northwestern, 10-14 (1-10). #Cats:


I'm cultured you know? I respect gypsy music. All of GOATs 2014 album is amazing. This is the penultimate track and it sets my loins on fire. I like doing everything to this song: Gardening? Check. Washing the dishes? Check. Finger blasting? Check. Killing a brown snake and letting one loose? Actually I listen to Kenny G for that. Point is I like females chicks hollerin'. Unfortunately I think I'm in the minority on this one. (JQW)

I'm not really sure how household of a name Kid Ink is at this point, but he's definitely been one of the most consistent rappers over the past 3 or 4 years. "Hotel" is probably the catchiest track from his new album. (@DannyGoldin)

I can't even explain how badly I wanted to love this. Punk-ish cover of my favorite pop song ever? I LOVE punk covers of pop songs! But... it just didn't take. I'm very, very frustrated that I didn't immediately start swooning over this.

PS - Sorry Charli, but when it comes to BBC Live Lounge covers, nothing will ever top the champion.


Bronson Koenig's Killer Crossover vs. Illini Ankle Ligaments

Did you see what BK did to Nebraska? That shit was RECKLESS. That guy was somebody's SON, and BK just went out there and did them like that anyway. The rest of the B1G is on notice: this kid will cross you and make sure your parents are out there watching to know what he did to you. He'll probably send your mom a nice note and some flowers because Bo Ryan recruits gentlemen and upstanding citizens who will bust your legs and make sure your mother knows it was nothing personal.


This week in PRIMETIME

The Depleted Illini

vs. The Juggernaut

Penn State: always bad

And yet, it's never easy

It's time for easy


I have no idea what's going on here. I think I get that it's a bunch of young guns doing some crew rowing stuff, but I'm not entirely sure how they can be this bad. At one point I'm 99% sure a girl is out there crying, having an anxiety attack as a pier full of parents scream 'GO! ROW! GO BACKWARDS! NO NOT THAT WAY!'

In the end, I laugh at this like I laughed at the girl falling over and over on the hurdles. Sure, I'm probably a terrible person, but hey! That's okay! You can't keep throwing that 'Live. Laugh. Love' stuff at me on picture frames and Instagrams without telling me when it's inappropriate for me to laugh and expect me to figure it out on my own. I am man and I am human.

Christ that's adorable.

When I saw 'Airplane Snore', I safely assumed we were gonna get a funny video of someone snoring their face off on a packed plane. OH HO HO WAS I WRONG. This is somehow even better.


Skirt steak and ginormous greek fries from Athenian Room. Oh how I love the Athenian Room. That place NEVER disappoints. My dad and I made a power move and split this and a gyro. NO ONE WAS DISAPPOINTED. If there's ONE negative thing to say about this meal, it's that you WILL splash some of that sweet, sweet greek steak juice on your shirt. Basically impossible to avoid. That's why I eat my steak SHIRTLESS.

PS - Never go to the Athenian Room during a Dayton hoops game if you want to grab a drink at Glascotts. That place is packed and it will take you an hour to get to the bar.

PPS - Can't even explain how happy I am that Little Crazy from Revolution Brewing is back in the game. That beer is beyond drinkable and it is DELIGHTFUL. Oh yeah, Revolution is tripling their brewing capacity. WE ALL GON' GET CRAZY FOREVER


There was a STUNNING sunset in Chicago on Saturday. I only knew because one friend texted me telling me I had to check out the #skyporn, but I had a terrible view. So I tweeted asking for a pic and BANG a friend in Old Town with a ridiculous view sent me this. POWER OF THE INTERNET. How did people exchange #skyporn in the 80s? What did they CALL #skyporn in the 80s? Apparently I have a lot of questions about late 20th century #skyporn.

PS - Am I the only person that really has to think hard about what century any given year belongs to? It's BOGUS that the 19th century isn't the 1900s. Didn't we abandon the Mayan Calendar to get away from these shenanigans? I bet in Korea they got this right, because in Korea you are 1 year old when you are BORN. I learned this vital fact from a passage on the English section of the practice ACT test I was looking at while tutoring. Oh, you need a source? Let's... ASK A KOREAN

PPS - I've always wanted to start a letter off with 'Dear Korean'










  1. Thoughts on the red onion on a Pep/On at Xander's?

    1. I think I mistakenly thought those onions were grilled. I know they're red onions. If that damn Pizza Nazi didn't dump 8 pounds of onions on there then it would be right at the top of the list. I want one right now.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Agreed...debated (for a split second) an impromptu trip north for zaaa, stag, and a frozen tundra experience at the Bwa...then came to my senses.