Thursday, February 5, 2015

Northwestern & at Nebraska

That beatdown of IU was FUN. LET'S ASSESS.

  • Frank is probably the world's best Pop-A-Shot player. That he's able to just flick a regular basketball in off the backboard with consistency is remarkable. I started watching somewhere around the halfway point of the first half and I think it was at least an hour before he missed a shot. Best player in the nation. Not a doubt in my mind.
  • This offense is historic. And that's not even an overstatement. That's not hyperbole. Their numbers were crazy before B1G season started, and they've only gone up since conference play got underway. Here are the top offensive players in B1G play so far:

  • THAT IS BANANAS. We are exactly halfway through the conference season and the top 5 players by offensive efficiency in the B1G are Badgers. I'm reasonably confident you won't see a better Badger team than this year's squad. I'm 1,000% confident you'll never see a better offense in Madison. They're fucking incredible.
  • This team's defense isn't that great, but that's okay. How much more fun is it to watch a team with an elite offense/bad defense than the previous versions with elite defense/bad offense? I really hope that 'defense wins championships' is a myth because this team rides and dies with its ability to score efficiently.

Adorable Old Guy behind the broadcasters is the BEST. Look at him! He was so happy and enthusiastic and everything I wanna be when I get old. WHO IS HE? Is he a booster? Was he like the team locker room attendant for 67 years and got some courtside tickets as a retirement present? CAN HE ADOPT ME? Can you adopt a grandchild? Does that make any sense? Like if a really old person without grandchildren wanted to adopt someone in their 40s who didn't have any grandparents... is this a thing? Tell me 3 reasons I shouldn't make an app that does grandchildren adoption placement other than grandparents don't use apps. You never know when a brilliant idea is gonna STRIKE.

PS - Adorable Old Guy flashing the Dub:

PPS - Adorable Old Guy does the Degeneration X SUCK IT:

PPPS - I kind of have to try and meet him when I'm in Madison for the Minnesota game, don't I? Just ask him what he did in life to get to this peak status. Need to know. Need to shake those fantastical hands. Need it.

4xPS - We officially have our first spirit animal for the 2014-15 Wisconsin basketball team. I can't even explain to you how big this is. Who or what will be next? TIME WILL TELL

CHICAGO BADGERS: 4:30 game on a Saturday... OH HOW THE BARS BECKON. I have a birthday bar crawl in Logan Square after the game. Can someone tell me how to dress to hang out in Logan Square? I have LITERALLY no idea. Do I wear my Wicker Park outfits? Is Logan Square filled with hipsters who outgrew their hipster ways in Wicker Park? Should I go to a costume shop and tell them I need a Logan Square costume?





1) Wisconsin, 10-2 (8-1). CHUGGAchuggachuggachugga CHUGGAchuggachuggachugga CHOOCHOO

2) Purdue, 15-8 (7-3). Last week they were sneaky good. Now they might be actually good. 4 straight wins - 3 of them over ranked teams - has Purdue trending way up.

3) Ohio State, 17-6 (6-4). Introducing ELEVATOR FOOT BUTTONS:

Drunk-Brandon is SO upset he couldn't ring the elevator bell with his foot in 420. That would just be the BEST.

4) Maryland, 19-4 (7-3). Scraping by to beat Northwestern and Penn State at home doesn't do a whole lot to inspire confidence.

5) Michigan State, 15-7 (6-3). A few days after I call out New York for being awful at blizzards and what happens? Chicago gets 20" of snow and the city keeps on keepin' on. We NAILED that blizzard. And as if it wasn't enough, it's snowed TWICE since then. I feel like Chicago is Rocky asking Drago to hit him in the mouth after the bell just because he knows he can take the punch and fuck you go ahead and punch me again.

6) Indiana, 16-7 (6-4). If I'm Tom Crean (SHUDDER), I'm gonna be the first hoops coach to hire a defensive coordinator. I know our offense is damn near unstoppable, but what the FUCK was that defensive performance by IU? I've seen people saying Crean is just trying to make due with the roster he has... HE BUILT THAT ROSTER. Dumbest thing I've ever heard. Hopefully they completely collapse and make the NIT. #HoosierTears

PS - I was visibly upset that we couldn't coast that one out to a 30 point victory. I was actually upset that Wisconsin could not beat Indiana in basketball by 30 points. We had to settle for a 14 point victory. Welcome to the Bo Ryan era of Wisconsin basketball. IT IS A GOOD ERA

7) Michigan, 13-9 (6-4). Sometimes you're working from home and there's nothing to throw on the TV in the background so you throw an impromptu dinosaur party with Dylan the Dilophosaur and Craig the Steg:

I bet normal is boring.

PS - That show is fucking bizarre. From what I gathered, the plot revolves around one dinosaur leading tours through the ages on a giant train, and this episode featured a family of pterodactyls that adopted a raptor going back to the Jurassic period to learn about stegosaurs and these creepy wannabe stegs that have horns coming out their ribs. Then the stegs banged on some prehistoric coconut trees to knock some coconuts down for all the little dinos to bang on like bongos while the stegs banged their tails on the ground.

Monday I learned that dinosaurs invented hippie drum circles.

PPS - Yeah I spelled 'pterodactyl' right on my first try. No one should be surprised.

8) Nebraska, 13-9 (5-5). WE COMIN' FOR YOU #NEBRASKETBALL

9) Iowa, 13-8 (4-4). And here's your most viral video of the day and possibly the week. Holy hell is it awesome seeing all the Saved By The Bell people together again, in costume:

Mr. Belding got HUGE.

PS - This is one of those videos where I know EVERYONE is gonna see it during the day on Thursday before I send this out because Buzzfeed and HuffPo and the rest of the internet is gonna freak out about it. For the 6 of you who don't have Twitter, I got you.

10) Illinois, 15-8 (5-5). So their best player isn't just hurt, but he's also super suspended as well? This program has really tumbled into irrelevancy.

11) Penn State, 14-9 (2-8). The elusive SILVER LAB:

Didn't even know that was a breed. Freaking gorgeous. I'll take 10.

12) Rutgers, 10-14 (2-9). Somehow Rutgers lost 3 games since last Thursday. I'm not even mad. That's amazing.

13) Minnesota, 14-9 (3-7). OMG they're still so bad.

14) Northwestern, 10-12 (1-8). FYI we're plowing our way through February and Northwestern still hasn't won a game yet this year. OMG, they might make it to March before winning! @UW/MSU/IOWA/@MINN/PSU/IU/@ILL. That's their schedule in February. They need to beat Penn State in the WORST kind of way. #ChicagosBigTenTeam


I'm sick. As in have a bad cold. Seeing the live version of this song brings great joy to me and my country. Audiotree does good stuff. (JQW)

Forgot how FIRE this track is. Bigass lion and left shark may have stolen the show, but this song was great as well. (@DannyGoldin)

I wonder if people even look at these songs? Can I just put the #Swiftness here every week and see how long it takes someone to say something? I guess HAIM is gonna be at Soldier Field with her this summer. The only question is how much would I actually pay just to hear Shake It Off and The Wire. I need to figure out what that dollar amount is and decide if I can make the move.


Wisconsin's Secretive Desire for Revenge vs. #NEBRASKETBALL

It literally meant nothing in the grand scheme of things last year, but I was UPSET when we lost to #NEBRASKETBALL in their gym. I'm of the school of belief that we should EMBARRASS newcomers to the conference for at least 5 years after they join. I'm sure the players and the coaches don't care anymore, but I hope we go in their gym and HURT them. I want to walk away with a 40 point win. I love this team so very much.


The nerds are coming

We might win by a hundred

Can't even jinx this

There's one thing I know:

If your best guy has dreadlocks

Then your team ain't shit


Love this hound's hustle. I'm not sure what it looks like to see a dog smile but I think this dog is smiling the entire time it's balancing that ball on its skull.


1) This guy:

2) This guy:

PS - Is that a younger Kelsey Grammer with crazy sideburns playing the hammerheïmer in a Prague orchestra?

The Onion will swing and miss every once in a while, but their occasional brilliance more than makes up for it.


PIEROGI! And Polish sausage! Would you believe that this was my first time EVER eating pierogi? They're delightful! I basically like anything that is served with fried onions, bacon, and sour cream. Like, who gives a fuck what it even tastes like if you're just gonna douse it with those toppings. Brilliant. I had no idea Polish cuisine existed and was delicious. And look! Polish sausage with no bun! POLISH PEOPLE DON'T DO CARBS! Can I get skinny eating Polish? Best diet EVER.

PS - From Pierogi Heaven in the Loop - highly recommended.


Pretty sunset on a beach out in California. In other news it's snowed 45 inches in Chicago in the last 4 days. This is more of an observation than a complaint. I love snow.



That right there is a couple settling their divorce in 1999 by splitting up their Beanie Baby collection with a judge presiding over them. 90s TO THE CORE. I would KILL to see the draft board for this. If I ever find myself in a situation where I have to divvy up my Beanie Babies with a jilted ex-lover, you damn well know I'm doing hardcore research before. I'm making a spreadsheet with current values and expected future values and taking notes of which guys have creased tags or were made in Indonesia instead of China. Basically I'm treating my Beanie Baby divorce draft like a hardcore fantasy football draft. Leave no stone unturned.

PS - Apparently Maple the Bear was the first pick:

Maple the Bear is puffin his chest out a little extra around the Beanie Baby world that day. Top dog.

PPS - Someone made a whole bucket of money selling those little plastic clips that you could protect your tag with. They saw all these idiots hoarding these dolls and realized the REAL way to make money off them. That's the kind of genius you can't bottle up.








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