Thursday, March 26, 2015

NCAA Tournament Sweet 16 & Elite 8

What a perfect example of why I love this team so much. There's not a person out there that would think Oregon is better than UW. The moms of the players on the team know it. The coach's daughter knows it. That stupid, spoiled duck knows it.

But that didn't stop Oregon from taking UW down to the wire. Wisconsin really played a pretty bad game, and Oregon did all they could to make it interesting. Of course, this Wisconsin team can play a pretty bad game and still punch their ticket to the Sweet 16. Because they're just that fucking good.

Now, however, it's time for the shit to get real. No more cupcakes. No more outclassed opponents. There exists a possibility that UW would have to beat UNC/Arizona/Kentucky/Duke to win a National Championship *knock knock*. That is INSANE. That's like the Mt. Rushmore of college basketball right there (whatever UCLA). And if you wanna be the best, you gotta beat the best.

So let's do this thing. Let's go beat them all. It starts with UNC Thursday night.


  • Location? Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
  • Colors? Carolina Blue and White. Note the distinct lack of teal. We in the big boy leagues now.
  • They have a bullshit tree:
Also located in McCorkle Place is the Davie Poplar tree under which the university's founder, William Richardson Davie, supposedly selected the location for the university. The legend of the Davie Poplar says that if the tree falls, so will UNC. Because of the tree's questionable health from damage caused by severe weather such as Hurricane Fran in 1996, the university has planted two genetic clones nearby called Davie Poplar Jr. and Davie Poplar III.
That is GARBAGE. If the school falls when the Davie Poplar tree falls, that's IT. You don't get to do bullshit witchcraft cloning science to cover your asses. Whoever started that legend didn't live before hurricanes and thunderstorms were invented. Maybe they should've not been idiots and tied the existence of their university to the life of something that dies.

And whoa hey apparently I have no idea how cloning was. I thought cloning just like made an exact replica of the thing you cloned. Shouldn't that just make a new shitty tree on the verge of dying? When they cloned that sheep, how did that work? When we get to human cloning, can you just make a fetus that turns out to be EXACTLY the same as the clone source material? Cloning is fucking BANANAS. I've seen The Prestige, I know exactly what happens when we start cloning. I want nothing to do with that.

In summary, UNC employs witchcraft to make devil tree clones so their school doesn't die. Why don't they clone Sean May and Michael Jordan and just end this charade?
  • Is there spooky grass in Chapel Hill? There's not NOT spooky grass in Chapel Hill:
The student members of the university's Dialectic and Philanthropic Societies are not allowed to walk on the grass of McCorkle Place out of respect for the unknown resting place of Joseph Caldwell, the university's first president.
Mentally I think you learn to obey that rule by playing the LAVA GAME. Grass of McCorkle Place is straight lava, you step on it you burn your leg off. Bang, no one ever touches the grass. In other news, McCorkle is a name I can get behind. Fantastic name. McCorkle McGee should be the name of their mascot.

  • North Carolina was a dirty CONFEDERATE state?
Another university landmark is the Confederate monument, known to students as Silent Sam, erected to commemorate UNC students who died fighting for the Confederacy. The statue has at times been dogged by controversy, some critics claiming that the monument invokes memories of racism and slavery, while others counter that "Silent Sam" is simply historical and a part of the rich heritage of the South.
I... had no idea? TO THE GOOGLE MACHINE:

I'll be damned. They WERE a bunch of filthy 'federates. Our mission has never been clearer: defend the honor of the Union. At all costs.


  • Jason Kilar, former CEO of Hulu. Hulu SUCKS. There, I said it. I'm still firmly on #TeamCable - which is saying a lot given how much I hate Comcast/Charter/Time Warner/etc. But the truth of the matter is that streaming services are still not a cable replacement if you care at all about picture quality. I have BOMBER internet and that still doesn't stop random artifacting and buffering. The day you can stream shit in real HD with no buffering or quality degradation, I'll contemplate the switch over. Until that day, I'm content coughing up the cash for real HD and a million channels. Out of curiosity, thought, is Diners Drive-Ins and Dives available on Hulu? Because that might sway me. Need daily Guy hot takes. Could make Hulu OUT OF BOUNDS if it's on there.
  • Caleb Bradham, inventor of Pepsi. I think there was a 9 month stretch of my life where I convinced myself that Pepsi was better than Coke. Those 9 months were a LIE. LIE MONTHS. Anyway, ol' Caleb here went bankrupt and had to sell Pepsi because he bought a billion pounds of sugar at an inflated price after World War I. Long story short, sugar will kill you if you drink a lot of Pepsi and bankrupt you if you make a lot of Pepsi.
  • Mia Hamm, best female soccer player ever. Mia Hamm, total badass. Did you know her real name was Mariel? EXCELLENT call on Mia. Oh and her UNC teams were 94-1 when she played there. That's incredible.
  • Warren Grice Elliott, president of the Atlantic Coast Line Railroad. Man, railroad money is AWESOME money. You'd much rather have railroad/oil/steel money than internet money. Railroad money is earned with BLOOD. Internet money is fake as shit and can disappear before you even know what hit you. I read a thing about the guy who invented Netscape Navigator, and he thought he was the next Bill Gates. Bro was running his mouth at Microsoft, so proud of his market share. Then Microsoft goes and bundles IE with every Windows installation and Netscape guy has to give up on his dream as Netscape stock tumbled to the abyss. Poor Netscape guy.
  • Howard R. Levine, CEO of Family Dollar. I don't even get these stores. But this boner is making like $6 million a year running the show. Such garbage. You know the second he uses that middle initial he's made a lot of money in his life by being birthed in the right family. Born into Family Dollar billions. Ass.
  • Michael Jordan. Game over:

CHICAGO BADGERS: Thursday night, easily enough time to get out of work... let's get Will's popping. Bring yo' A game.




(1) Wisconsin
Opponents: UNC, Arizona/Xavier
Undefeated Chances: 51%
It's all about the stenographer: I can't get enough of the UW team obsessing over the stenographer at press conferences:

I don't blame them. Stenographers are FASCINATING. Those little machines they use allow them to type over 200 words a minute. That's insanity in all directions. I feel accomplished when I crack the 100 wpm barrier.

To take this one step further, Nigel has been saying ridiculous words during press conferences just to keep the stenographer on her toes. And the most recent example had a bonus:

I need this team to play forever because they are amazing in all ways.

(7) Michigan State
Opponents: Oklahoma, N.C. State/Louisville
Undefeated Chances: 13%
I bet no one saw this coming: Izzo has MSU marching towards a potential Final Four birth. The man is a damn machine.


(4) Maryland
Death via: (5) West Virginia
When did this game happen: I remember none of it. It had to be at night and I'm going to assume I was drunk and didn't even care.

(7) Iowa
Death via: (2) Gonzaga
Let me tell you how sad I was to see Iowa lose: not very sad.

(9) Purdue
Death via: (8) Cincinnati
Do you know what's at the intersection of love and love:

Need Hayley and the #Swiftness to sing a song together. Need it.

(10) Ohio State
Death via: (2) Arizona
I appreciate your effort: You almost had Arizona! Not really. But still: good effort.

(10) Indiana
Death via: (7) Wichita State
Let's check in on CREAN in his first round matchup with Wichita State:



(3) Illinois
Death via: (6) Alabama
I got to see my girl Vérité on Tuesday: She's an amazing singer. I'm not blown away by her band (the guitarist could not look more punchable), but I still give her like a 10% chance of being a superstar. And after seeing that she went to Dimo's the night before the show, I want her to be my girlfriend. Hey, girlfriend!

A photo posted by Brandon Rifkin (@purebwa) on


Postseason Status: Still dead
I really miss Asian Kitchen: I wanted Chinese food for dinner the other night, and I didn't feel like ordering delivery. I have no idea where I can go near my apartment and just get a good meal of Chinese food for less than $10. Why is that impossible? Why do I crave the impossible? I need to start franchising Asian Kitchen and make a swimming pool of sweet and sour chicken (sauce on the side) and swim in it.

Postseason Status: Still dead
The Tradition:

Every year. Without fail.

PS - These new flavor crusts that Pizza Hut is giving away for free are splendid. #CrustScience does it again.

Postseason Status: Still dead
It would be nice to not think about #Nebrasketball for a while: Let's go ahead and do that.

Postseason Status: Still dead
Snap game: On point:

Hard NOT to use the Boystown filter. Gotta take advantage of what the Snap Gods give you.

Postseason Status: Still dead
The battery on my laptop is about to die: Let's call that a metaphor for Minnesota athletics. Doesn't even make a lot of sense but it works in my head.

Penn State
Postseason Status: Still dead
I wonder how much more I'd hate laundry if I didn't have in-unit machines: That's actually terrifying to think about. Thank god this section is done.


I've been super into Tove Lo the past month, and her inclusion in the Lolla lineup almost had me considering buying a one-day pass to that cesspool of an event. Hopefully she plays an aftershow. (@DannyGoldin)

I've submitted some Action, some Bronsolino, some of that Fat Albanian Chef Music before. But this ones brand fucking new, off his major debut, and its hot. I love the guest verse by Chance. I'm glad Actions back killing it and giving props to Coming to America. I'm also hungry - someone tell flood to make me some goddamn pastries. (JQW)

They don't make 'em like they used to.

Except for these guys, because they could definitely fit in in several different decades. Love that they've got new tunes coming out. Can't wait to shred that new album.


We are back out west

Did pretty well here last year

How 'bout two more wins


Some guy caught these kids singing the Star Spangled Banner into fans in a Wal Mart and you can give up because America has found its core.

PS - Is it me or are these kids actually pretty good singers. Color me impressed.

That is some damn fine paper airplaning. Screw anyone who can make a good paper airplane. Like this one:

That's just insane. I'm not sure how they faked it because it definitely can't be real. He threw that damn thing from 8 miles away. BLOODY BRILLIANT.

Of course, I really got down deep in the paper airplane YouTube rabbit hole:

I want to talk about how insane the paper airplane throw is but I can't get past the person dangling their feet over the edge. DO YOU WANT TO LIVE OR DO YOU WANT TO DIE. I'm uncomfortable just thinking about it.

PS - 'Hey guys, wanna go up on the roof and have a paper airplane competition tonight?'

Can't really envision myself ever saying that to a friend.


Buffalo chicken tenders and fries a friend of mine ate during the Wisconsin/Michigan game from Theory. CLASSIC meal. One of my all-time favorites. I'm not entirely sure what's in that one sauce container, but I'm pretty sure it involves parmesan. That can't be bad.



Ooooo, hot bridge action in this one. I believe this is the famed Philly Bridge that leads into Philadelphia from Pittsburgh. None of that is true.



7 am Friday morning I fly off to the mysterious land of California for a weekend that will most likely reduce me to a hungover mess of despair come Tuesday. But it's not without purpose! I get to go to WRASTLEMANIA and see the biggest event in the world (of sports entertainment) in person. WITH THESE EYES.

Here are my picks which I guarantee you really care about:

WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match

Roman Reigns vs. Brock Lesnar (c)

Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match

Daniel Bryan vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Bad News Barrett vs. Luke Harper vs. Stardust vs. R-Truth

(If R-Truth wins I'll laugh myself straight to an early grave.)

United States Championship Match

John Cena vs. Rusev

(Classic heart over gut pick)

2nd Annual Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Sheamus vs. Bunch of other guys

And the quick hitters:

  • Sting vs. Triple H
  • The Undertaker vs. Bray Wyatt
  • A.J. Lee & Paige vs. The Bella Twins
  • Seth Rollins vs. Randy Orton
  • Tyson Kidd & Cesaro vs. The New Day vs. Los Matadores vs. The Usos

I'll just add: I might cry when the Undertaker comes out, and if Rollins cashes in I'm going to lose my brain.









    Figured you'd like this. One of my buddies from high school wrote this.

    1. That is gold, I was laughing uncontrollably and may have dribbled in my pants a bit. The Mulaney bit gets me every time but this far surpasses it with the twitter feed.

    2. Haha, yup. I read that before writing this and that's why the song made its way in here. I don't know why I didn't link to it, it was great.

      Closest I ever came was buying 3-4 #Swiftness songs in a row at the Vintage just to piss off some bros. You can't do the same song over and over on the new jukeboxes, and even if you could the bartenders would just skip it.


    1. Watching it again this weekend, no idea what was going on the first time.

    2. I think everyone understands that Bale's characters were twins and Jackman's characters were clones. At least after watching it a few times. One of the best movies ever, but you really gotta pay attention and see it more than once to get everything.