Thursday, September 6, 2018

New Mexico

You want my honest opinion? That was a perfectly boring season opener. Second half was a total snoozefest. And this is NOT a complaint. I'm fine with that. What do you really want to see in non-conference games against scrubs? Minimal injuries, young players making plays, and a comfortable cruise to the finish line. CHECK CHECK CHECK.

Plus, we have more important things to discuss:

You've all probably seen this by now: a woman at the U.S. Open was caught on camera dunking her chicken tenders into an ice cold coke. On the surface, this appears to be a criminal offense. Why take what appears to be a surprisingly meaty stadium tender and dunk it in sugar water before taking a bite? Even IF they were out of all normal dipping sauces, you just go raw dog on a tendy. But this is the OBVIOUS way to react to the situation. I'd like to consider some reasons why this woman is fit to supervise children:

1. This could be a 'don't knock it 'til you try it' situation. Have any of you ever dunked a tender in coke? NO? Then how do we know it's not bizarrely delicious? If the first person to dunk a french fry in a chocolate frosty was caught on camera, they probably would've been disowned by their family. Would you ever dump a milkshake on a baked potato and go to work? Of course not! But hot damn if a fry in a frosty isn't a salty-sweet moment of bliss. CONFESSION: I've dunked a nugget or two into the frosty as well. Why should the fries have all the fun?

2. Maybe she has really soft teeth?

3. She was the victim of a sneaky camera operator at a moment of vulnerable, harmless quirkiness. One of my BIGGEST fears is being caught on camera picking my nose at a sporting event. I DON'T WANT TO BE A MÉMÈ. Are we just victim shaming this poor woman who was OUTED trying to cool down some piping hot tenders on a hot late summer day?

4. We've all gifted her the easiest Halloween costume:

She shows up to a party in full Costanza gear with some ice cream and she immediately topsy-turvies an embarrassing moment into a brilliant act of self-awareness. I spend my entire life trying to come up with a decent Halloween costume, and she's been handed one on an ice scream-soaked platter. Live it up.

5. I am dunking a chicken tender in a coke as soon as I can. Seriously. I have to know what this life is like. I have to walk a mile in her cola-drenched chicken finger shoes. First time you see someone cutting a candy bar with a knife and fork you think they're insane. Come back a week later and you're the only person using your hands like a savage. I know which side of the bandwagon I wanna jump on.

UPDATE: I'm gonna be honest with you and tell that it's closer to good than bad:

Obviously I dipped a few curds and some fries in there to see if we really have a trend on our hands. I can't say I'll be dipping my tenders in coke going forward, but I did find myself going back for a few extra dips at the end just to really soak it all in. Color me slightly pleasantly surprised.


TV: BTNish


Mainland opened at a show I went to earlier this year and I really enjoyed them. They have 3-5 songs that have worked their way right into my rotation. It's POSSIBLE they're a covert Christian rock group, but I'm good at ignoring that red flag and enjoying a catchy tune when I hear one.


1. Wisconsin, 1-0 (0-0). What did we learn in week 1? Nelson is gonna be a beast, there's work to be done on the defensive line, and fumbles will be the DEATH of me. I can work with this.

2. Ohio State, 1-0 (0-0). They scored a billion points without their head coach during a tsunami. Wonderful. Very happy for them.

3. Michigan State, 1-0, (0-0). Whenever I'm doing a fantasy draft, I like to have something on the TV in the background that doesn't require my attention, but still gives me moments of enjoyment in between picks. So last night I tossed on the U.S. Open (alas, no one dunking burgers in Whiteclaws) and was treated to exactly why tennis is stupid. One guy is dying because he's tired while the other is so sweaty he requests a changing break to put on fresh clothes. It wasn't even 80 degrees! However, all worth it to see Djokavic looking like a big headed goon with tiny arms while the woman behind him adds to her password protected photo library:

Seriously his head is bigger than his torso. This is frightening.

4. Penn State, 1-0 (0-0). One of my goals is to find out that James Franklin is a FRAUD. I need a 7,000 word Deadspin piece exposing him for selling puppies on the black market or something. I don't like his face or anything else about him.

5. Iowa, 1-0, (0-0). Oh man Burt Reynolds died? That's unfortunate. RIP:

6. Northwestern, 1-0, (1-0). I'm very happy Small Cheval exists, but damn if the full Au Cheval experience still doesn't just knock your tits off every time. Add some fried chicken and hash browns to your already exemplary burger and fries and you just have a food party in your mouth. I had to sit in the bathroom and just think about my life after that meal.

7. Purdue, 0-1 (0-1). If you can't tell, I'm coming off a six week sabbatical and my diet has not yet returned. On the flip side, my body is ready for winter hibernation!

8. Nebraska, 0-0, (0-0). Having your first game of the season cancelled is like in Big Daddy when he sinks the putt on the roof and then a rat climbs out of the hole. Can't be a good sign.

9. Minnesota, 1-0, (0-0). My parents don't believe me when I tell them our dog at home is getting fat. Then they send me these pics and the prosecution RESTS:


10. Michigan, 0-1 (0-0). I warned you:

11. Indiana, 1-0 (0-0). Okay time to move this thing along.

12. Maryland, 1-0 (0-0). I'm in Lake Geneva for a wedding all weekend.

13. Illinois, 1-0 (0-0). And it's time to go booze cruise.

14. Rutgers, 1-0 (0-0). LET'S go!


Who's gonna wake up

11 am kickoff

There is nothing worse


WARNING: there's language in here. But it's adorable watching this guy I've never heard of reacting to Eminem dropping his name in his new album. Also, what's up with this dude's eyes?

Every time I watch one of these dorky science programs I feel like we need more of them. Gimme the weirdo obsessed with Galileo and the Periodic Table pretending he's a magician by pointing to a rocket right before it launches. I want that. I need more of that.

This was linked as another great example of a live TV shot and I cannot disagree. FACED you stupid cat.


One beautiful and delicious BBQ platter from Lewis Barbecue in Charleston. Brisket with bark that'll make your knees weak, sausage, pulled pork, greens, potato thingies, mac and cheese, cornbread, pickled onions, pickles... it's got it all. And it was all fantastic. I did not move for several minutes after eating half of this damn thing.


Is this a cheesy 'looking up at the Marina Towers' shot you've seen a million times before? DON'T CARE. I like it and you'll look at it and admire my art.


Take advantage of these laughers and enjoy the weather. Things get serious in a hurry. THE PICK:

WISCONSIN 51, New Mexico 5




  1. Predicting a safety? It's a bold move Cotton, let's see if it pays off.

  2. 8) You quoted Happy Gilmore, not Big Daddy. Get your shit together.

    1. Nope it is Big Daddy: