Season Finale Mailbag Part 2!

Greg M:

If you were to pick 1 Madison bar to 'rescue', what would you (or Taffer) choose and what would you (or he) do to rescue it?

Can we pretend that my internet uncle and I are tag-teaming this? You know, staying up late all night in our PJ's going over socioeconomic data, analyzing traffic patterns in the area, eating milk and cookies? Because I think this just became my dream scenario, my highest of highs (I bet Taffer wears a monogrammed robe). Let's run with that. Jon and I have been summoned to Madison to pull back the doors, bust open the books and turn The City from a money PIT into a money MAKER.

Here's the thing with The City: They have a prime location right on State Street, but being in a basement means there are no windows for pedestrians to see people inside having a good time. You walk by and you see a chalkboard with a few weak specials on it, a bouncer, and then a long, dark flight of stairs. Right off the bat, if I'm a girl, I'm gonna keep on walking. Just doesn't look very safe OR inviting.

For the recon mission, we're gonna send in 4 students to grab some food and a couple drinks. Hidden cameras have been installed watching the staff and bar, but we have ADDITIONAL cameras following them around that the bar owners will TOTALLY NOT NOTICE. If The City is the same as it was years ago, it will take way too long for the food to come out. THAT IS A PROBLEM. I can't even imagine how dirty the kitchen is, and I'm sure Jon will get in there and yell about grease drippings and unchanged oil in the deep fryer. TAFFER BEING TAFFER.

The next problem is the flow pattern. Too many VIP couches. TV's on the walls making everyone look away from the bar. Crappy stools that need to be replaced. COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.

We're gonna bring in chef Brian Duffy, since he's my favorite, to help get those ticket times under control. At the bar, we're going with certified mixologist and whiskey expert Michael Tipps. You know what's missing on the campus area? A nice whiskey bar (totally guessing, there's probably a new bar called Whiskey Jack's just down the street. IGNORE WHISKEY JACK'S). Jon will carefully explain to the owners and employees that this is a niche market. We don't have to sell the expensive stuff that students can't afford, but we can make some tasteful whiskey drinks that will be head and shoulders better than the over-poured drinks across the street.

By now, one cute bartender has walked out claiming 'she doesn't need to deal with this shit, you're [Taffer] an asshole!' Upon hearing her call my internet uncle an asshole, I tell her to goose-step her way back home to do her MATC homework. Burn notice, presented by Spike TV.

Once training is complete, it's time for Jon and I to bring in our crew and get to work. The main priority is creating interest at the door, so we're gonna call up our friends at B&G SIGNAGE INC to make us a sign that will really grab everyone's attention when they're walking by. There are countless bars for patrons to choose from - what are we gonna have here to make it really stand out? Inside, we're doing all new stools. We're removing the couches and putting in tables. Each seat at one of these tables? $20,000 a year in revenue without breaking a sweat.

When it's time for the reveal, we have all the employees and owners lined up outside facing the other way. Unfortunately, a drunk student starts yelling about what's behind them, totally ruining the surprise. In a totally not shocking twist of fate, he's in Sigma Chi. Anyway, they turn to see our fantastic new sign from our friends at B&G SIGNAGE INC and are blown away. The City is no more. Welcome... to The Sub. "You get it guys? The sub, because like a submarine, we are below deck? Hey, it's a limitation we can't change. And I embrace solutions, not excuses. So we're going to embrace our subterranean location." It's really incredible how clever Taffer is.

After entering The Sub, jaws are dropped at the re-designed bar. All new flow patterns encourage people to approach the bar and converse with others. We've got our best whiskeys up top with the lights on them, drawing you right in. Best item on the menu? The buffalo bites. So what'd Jon do? He boxed them, AUTOMATICALLY increasing sales 25%. We also added a new TURBOTAP system from Jon's people at TAP CITY WORKS LLC in Burbank, and put in an additional POS system from the guys at POS INDUSTRIES. "This is great, guys. Can you feel it? We've got a bar now that offers what no one else on this campus has. We've got our price points. We've got the TURBOTAP. Your sign hooks 'em in, and it's up to YOU [pointing emphatically with his head tilted at a 45 degree angle at the staff] to keep them coming back. Alright, you guys ready? We open in 10 minutes!"

Soon enough, the bar is flooded with people loving the new drinks and ordering nothing but buffalo bites BECAUSE HOLY SHIT THAT BOX AROUND IT ON THE MENU MEANS IT'S GOOD. Jon and I embrace the owners, walk up the stairs, look at each other, look up at the sign, smile, execute the hardest high-five in high-five history, and walk off into the moonlight.

3 weeks later, sales are up 25%, but the owners have changed the name back to The City. They did not burn the Sub sign in effigy, because they're not a bunch of ungrateful piratz.

#BarScience

PS - You haven't lived until you've told someone to goose-step their way outta here. Just be careful, because they may not react kindly.

Season Finale Mailbag Part 1!

I got carried away (are you surprised?). Splitting this thing in half - part 2 coming next week. Because of that, I'm still looking for a few more questions. Do your worst.

LET'S go!

Jake S:

I saw the trailer for Tyler Perry's Temptation. I kind of want to see it. Is it racist for me, a white Jewish dude, to ask a black dude or chick to go see this movie with me? If someone asked me to go eat a bagel, I'd be down. I think asking a Chinese person for Chinese food is a grey area. But, I do not know what the proper etiquette is for Tyler Perry movies.

"What do you dream about?"
"I don't really dream anymore. What do you dream about?"
"...you."

Ignoring the racial aspects of this for a second, WHY DO YOU WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE? I've watched the trailer, and here's my take on the plot:

Attractive black woman married her sweetheart and has not been railed by anyone else. She works as some sort of hybrid psychiatrist/millionaire matchmaker where she helps rich dudes find love. At some point, she realizes HEY WAIT MAYBE I DO NOT KNOW LOVE MYSELF. During this epiphanous (new word) time of her life, she notices a handsome black man running shirtless in the park. Isn't she shocked when he walks into her office, looking for love.

Defying all conventional movie troupes, he falls for her (CUE THE DREAMING). The next time they go running, she gets PULVERIZED by a speeding... nerd on a bicycle (don't worry, she's not dead). He takes her back to his bro-palace and tosses a t-bone (innuendo) on her ankle to nurse her back to health. As they're on the verge of passionate, adulterous bone-juicing, her disinterested husband shows up to take her home. THE MEN SIZE EACH OTHER UP VIA PRIMITIVE SEXUAL ANGST GLARES. 

Fast forward a month or so and she ends up on his private plane drinking champagne. This only happens because she puts her guard down after her lover of 16 years forgets her birthday for the second consecutive year (never mind that in the world we live in today - FACEBOOK - I never fail to wish a 'happy birthday' to the Russian line cooks from the camp I went to 5 years ago). The seed of love-doubt has been planted, and they share a sexy-as-fuck kiss with a Rihanna song playing in the background. 

Upon returning home, our protagonista is faced with a decision that will pave the future of her very life: rekindle the flame with dipshit back home, or ride off into the sunset with runner-boy.

This sounds absolutely terrible. But if you INSIST on seeing it, then no, it's not racist to ask a black person to go see it with you. I'm not entirely sure why you think you need a black person to go with you - I didn't feel the need to find a dinosaur to go with me to see Jurassic Park last week and I still enjoyed the hell out of that. Maybe it makes you more comfortable. I have no idea.

UPDATE: Remember those 'Ask a Black Dude' Chappelle's Show sketches? I asked a friend of mine at work WHO JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE BLACK. Turns out, she saw the movie the other day and really liked it. I mentioned your question and she was pretty confused. "It's not a movie about race, so why does it matter? Why's he need a black person to go with him?" Of course I asked her if there were white people in the theater, and she proceeded to count them on her fingers. There were 4, all part of interracial couples. INTERPRET AS YOU SEE FIT.

#endracism

NCAA Tournament Rounds 1 & 2

IT IS THAT TIME AGAIN.

(I tried to find a video of a full, professional orchestra playing that song on repeat, but failed. Would have settled for something like this, but came up empty. Whoa, John Tesh has enormous hands. All really talented musicians do. Of course I'm stuck here with these NORMAL sized hands like some kind of loser. Ugh.)

You can always tell when I'm REALLY excited about something because 9 times out of 10 I'll write out full words instead of using contractions. I'm willing to bet that my non-contraction usage SKYROCKETS around this time every year. Seems like a difficult thing to track, so you're gonna have to take my word for it. And what's not to be excited about (if you live in the Midwest and say 'the weather', I hate you)? It's Spring. People are emerging from their hibernations. Patio drinking is right around the corner. And of course, it's NCAA Tournament time.

Are you feeling a little more optimistic about this team's chances after the run they went on in the B1G Tournament last weekend? A certain genius had UW losing to Michigan, and after 20 minutes that prediction looked to be pretty accurate. But then UW went out and scored 51 points on Michigan in the second half, sending those elitist losers back to the hell-forsaken hole they call home. I do not like Michigan.

I also do not like Tom Crean. Bo does not like Tom Crean. Most importantly, Bo does not like losing to Tom Crean. His solution? NEVER LOSE TO TOM CREAN, EVER AGAIN, EVER. That kind of strategery is yet another example of why Bo was a very deserving choice for Coach of the Year. Also, this:

Nothing like a little 7-0 run from the Sheboygan Stallion to get the juices flowing. And the entire sequence was a great look at the wide array of talents Dekker has. The first bucket came on a coast-to-coast drive where he drew the contact from one of the best defenders in the nation while smoothly finishing off the glass. The next possession had Sam stepping behind the three point line and splashing one home. A few seconds after that, he was pushing another one in transition down the left side of the court, squared up, and banked it in. All of that in 50 seconds. I don't wanna stray too far from the current team at such an exciting time, but this team WILL run more in the next few years with the influx of talent coming. The thing is, I don't think Bo is averse to pushing the ball - but it requires the right personnel. When you have Evans and Bruiser running down the wings with Jackson bringing the ball up, you don't really have a good finisher in the group. But once you put Dekker in there and mix in the kids coming in next year, things should pick up. WE WILL NOT ALWAYS BE BORING. #DEKKER

#LETSgo!

WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: TRUTV, KINDA LIKE BEING ON FX DURING FOOTBALL SEASON. NO RESPECT.

TV: TBD

Big Ten Tournament

As meaningless as it may be, the Big Ten Tournament should still be pretty crazy this year. Michigan is currently #6 in the country... and the 5 seed in the BTT. That's hard to even comprehend. And that's also our most likely opponent. Should Michigan get by a pesky Penn State team that beat UM earlier and almost stole one from UW on Sunday, they'll have a rematch with Wisconsin Friday afternoon at the United Center. Win that, and you have to beat #3 Indiana. And if you survive THAT, then you'll most likely see #8 MSU or #10 OSU in the championship. And THEN comes the NCAA Tournament. Jesus.

Time to nut up or shut up. No doubt, we've got a defense that can win championships. But if you want to know how far UW will advance in the B1G and NCAA tournaments, you've got to focus on these three questions:

1) Will the shots fall?

2) Will Dekker be freed?

3) Will we get Michigan State Jackson (DO NOT WANT) or Penn State Jackson (MORE PLEASE)?

That's really all it boils down to. We're gonna hit one of those 4-5 minute dry-spells - but can we snap out of it and start hitting shots again? Is Bo gonna let Dekker go nuts? If anyone on the team could catch fire and carry us from one weekend to the next, it's the freshman from Sheboygan with the picture-perfect stroke. Will Traevon minimize turnovers, play smart, and hit open shots? Hard to play with a point guard that doesn't do those things.

Should be really fun to see it all play out.

#FreeDekker

WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: ESPN

@ Penn State

[DISCLAIMER: I'm posting this before the MSU game. Usually I'd wait until after, but I wanna go drink beer and eat Dimo's. So, my advice would be to save this until later and keep in mind that nothing in here reflects whatever goes down in East Lansing tonight.]

Sad to say, but kind of a fitting Senior Night for Evans, Berggren, and Bruesewitz, wasn't it? I don't wanna take away too much from what this group has accomplished over the years, but it's worth noting that they'll most likely graduate with zero Big Ten championships. The '06-'07 and '07'-'08 teams won 30+ games each year and even hit #1 in the polls. Unfortunately, Bo did not capitalize on that success in the recruiting department, and here we are, 5 years down the road, losing at home by 13 to a shitty Purdue team with a shot of at least sharing a title on the line. OF COURSE Indiana went and choked against OSU after we already shit the bed vs. Purdue. That's how it works.

And what a FRUSTRATING season. We went from low expectations to losing multiple times in the non-conference schedule to beating Indiana on the road to choking at home against MSU  to upsetting Michigan with a miracle back to choking against Minnesota to blowing out 3 teams in a row by 20+ to embarrassing ourselves on our home court on Senior Day against lowly Purdue. A WHIRLWIND OF SORTS. I'm actually a bit winded even typing all of that out. The point is this season has seen its fair share of ups and downs. Losing Gasser a month before the season could have been a fine excuse for this team to lay down and die, but they didn't do that. I can't even begin to explain the free throw shooting, which has single-handedly cost us games. But other than that, I'd say we're finishing about where I expected us to. It's just hard to stomach it knowing that if we didn't choke away some of those games we should've won, we could be playing for a whole lot more down the stretch here. Just like last year. Oh well.

So, one game left. Then the Big Ten Tournament in Chicago. And then it's one-and-done time. Can't believe how quickly this season has flown by, but I probably say that every single year in both hoops and football. Nature of the beast. We'll have a B10 Tournament preview next week and a 1st/2nd round NCAA Tournament preview the following week. Hopefully with more to come after that.

PS - I have a wedding at 6 pm on Selection Sunday. What's the protocol for filling out brackets mid-vows? Is it a digital-only type of situation? I can see paper being burdensome and possibly drawing attention. But I can turn the brightness on my phone all the way down and put Wisconsin in the Final Four discretely, yeah? Rule #1 of life: Don't have your wedding on a Wisconsin Gameday. Rule #3 of life: Don't have your wedding IMMEDIATELY on the heels of Selection Sunday.

PPS - Rule #2 of life: Always dress comfortably while traveling.

PPPS - Rule #4 of life: Don't fuck with the people that make your food.

QUADRUPLE PS - Rule #5 of life: Never trust a person who prefers cats over dogs. Woof.

WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: BTN

Purdue & @ #9 Michigan State

On Valentine's Day, we choked away what should have been a nice road win against Minnesota after failing to score in the last 5 minutes. Since then, all UW has done is outscore OSU, Northwestern, and Nebraska by a ridiculous 217-136 margin. Is this bad? The defense has been elite for the majority of the season, but lately it's been the offense that's been turning heads. I know it's a stupid cliche that's true about pretty much every team in the country, but when we're making shots, we're damn near unbeatable.

And then there's that Dekker kid. Double digits the last 5 games, hitting 45% of this threes, and one of the leading candidates for B10 6th Man of the Year. I actually told multiple people Tuesday morning that I've already declared Sam Dekker my favorite Badger of all-time. I like him more than Alando, more than DH, more than Leuer or Taylor. And he's played precisely 28 games in a Wisconsin uniform. I thought maybe I was being a little crazy, but hours after I made that declaration he dropped 19 on Nebraska on only 6 shots. A SIGN FROM THE HEAVENS, perhaps. It totally confirmed what I believed: he's going to be really, really special. And he's going to do some big things at UW in the next 3+ years (if he leaves early I will most likely quit my job and give up on life). You can still hop on the Dekker Hypewagon - it's not too late. I am the conductor, president, and CEO. But there is PLENTY of room left before he becomes a national name. I have already changed my Twitter handle to @SamDekkerFanNumeroUnoCHOOCHOOOOO (the Dekker Hypewagon is a train of sorts). You know what? Let's just get this out of the way now.

GREATEST WHITE BASKETBALL PLAYERS OF ALL-TIME

1. Sam Dekker

2. Larry Bird

3. The Professor

4. Rocky (Although looking back, his abilities seem a tad unrealistic)

5. Chip Douglas

End of story. No debate.

WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: ESPN

TV: ESPN

Nebraska

SUNDAY RETRO DIARY:

11:50 AM: If you live in Chicago, NEVER bank on finding a cab on Fullerton. I don't know if it's because of the lack of bars or whatever, but it is the WORST busy street to grab a cab on.

12:15 PM: Walk into Redmond's and see that we're tied at 6. Spend the next 20 minutes trying to get beers because even though they were hosting a shuttle for the hockey game, Redmond's management decided to go with one bartender and one waitress. GENIUS

12:30 PM: Badgers immediately go on a 22-0 run after we walked into the bar. Credit? OURS.

12:45 PM: Dekker has already made a tough lefty layup and drilled a couple of threes, causing me to smile with the joy of a proud father. He's good.

1:00 PM: Up 17 at the half and you know what that means: "Boy, I tell ya Bill, being down 17 against Wisconsin is like being down 30 against anyone else!" I actually do not mind when announcers mention this, since it is awesome.

1:05 PM: #HALFTIMEDIMOS. I went with the chicken penne alfredo (all-time favorite) and mashed potato chicken. Elite selection was available. I've never resisted a slice with mashed potatoes on it - it's way too good to pass on.

1:06 PM: Mouth burnage? MINIMAL

1:15 PM: Anticipating being cold and not-that-drunk at the hockey game, we decide to mix a little treat for the road: RUMPLEYERRY. Pay attention, because this recipe is very precise and has many moving parts:

• Get a bunch of Rumplemintz
• Get a bunch of Sailor Jerry
• Pour them into a flask
• Regret everything

1:25 PM: Jackson nails a jumper and starts screaming 'who says I can't fucking shoot!?' at the OSU bench. I'm just glad he's not bitter about OSU's lack of interest in recruiting him.

1:35 PM: Frustrated with the play of his starters, Matta brings in Amedeo Della Valle, which is a badass Italian name, but WOOF: