#19 Northwestern

I am officially on #TeamMiley. There, I said it. I fucking love anything and everything that girl is doing with her life. Maybe it's because I'm a huge fan of letting your freak flag fly. Maybe it's because for the first time in my life I find myself incredibly attracted to a girl with a CLASSIC hipster haircut (it's not 'The Miley'. It's hipster hair. Don't kid yourself - double side buzz while quadrant 4 is free to roam like a herd of pre-Oregon Trail buffalo). Maybe it's because I can finally confirm that she is actually one hell of a singer:

I don't know what it is. I just know that I'm sick of people crying about her like she's fucking destroying society because she dresses like a college girl during Halloween and talks about sex and drugs and rock and roll and grinds up on a dick when she's dancing. Like kids haven't been doing that at dances since Miley was still on the Disney Channel. Give me a break.

She's 20 years old, rich, talented, and famous. She doesn't like riding horses, hates cats, and prefers real dogs to those tiny little rat-dogs. She watches Workaholics. She went to Haiti and helped deaf kids get hearing aids... and then raged on rum all night. I love all of this. And as for the whole tongue thing?

I just stick my tongue out because I hate smiling in pictures. It's so awkward. It looks so cheesy. Now people expect it, like, "Put your tongue out!" It's just easier that way. Taking pictures is so embarrassing. But there's also something about it that I think is cool. Every other girl is so serious – like, this is my moment on the red carpet, I'm in my ball gown, looking pretty. There's something empowering about what I'm doing right now. Especially having "short hair don't care." I think it's empowering for girls. Because there's not one thing that defines what beauty is.

It's taking everything in my power to avoid the MJ Tongue comparison, but I couldn't agree more with Miley here. Smiling in pictures and shit, so awkward. This girl preaches TRUTH at every turn, and that's refreshing from a celebrity.

Do your thang, Miley.

#TeamMiley

PS - My top plays on jukeboxes at bars:

PPS - This is what happens when there's a week without a Badger game to talk about. I literally lose my brain. Good god.

PPPS - Watching that video of Miley with The Roots reminds me of the day I learned that Lady Gaga was ALSO incredibly talented and not just another autotuned hack like Taylor Swift:

4xPS - Okay fine that Gaga video made me go back and watch one of my all-time favorites, so you might as well join me:

If Greyson isn't dating Blondie up there then I don't want to live in this cruel world anymore.

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CHICAGO BADGERS: I'm heading up to Madison for the game, but you know the drill. Take advantage of that outdoor patio at Will's while the weather is still nice.

GET ME OUT OF YOUR SPAM/PROMOTIONS FOLDER: If these emails are dropping in your spam or promotions folder, just drag them to your inbox or mark them as 'not spam'. And make sure to check the setting to do that for all future emails from me. I'm a lot of things, but I am not spam.

DOES YOUR FRIEND/ROOMMATE/SISTER/MOM/COUSIN WANT TO GET ON THIS LIST? If so, shoot me their email address and I'll take care of it. Unless you selfishly enjoy being the middleman and forwarding it on to your friends yourself. I know you people are out there.

For the record, I have added several dads, but no moms. This must CHANGE.

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WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: ABC
WEATHER: 60's, SCATTERED STORMS, I WILL NEVER BE THE GUY WEARING A PONCHO AT A SPORTING EVENT. #GETWET

Bye Week Mailbag!

No more talk about the OSU game. This is really long. On to your questions:


Katie G:

Do men hate or love sock buns?

I had to google 'sock buns' because I wasn't sure if an actual sock was used. Looks like some doughnut shaped loofa is preferred. Weird. Anyway, GIRL HAIRSTYLE POWER RANKINGS:

1) Loose Waves

Oh hell yes. Didn't take me long in my deliberations to go with the old LOOSE WAVES at numero uno. That's just a damn good look. I bet other girls fucking HATE you if you got the hair for this.


2) Side Braid

Fancy, but not too fancy. And probably the only time someone is justified in saying 'make sure you get me from my good side.' Because that braid side is for DAMN sure your good side.


3) High Ponytail

Jesus.


4) Half Up

Still trying to wrap my brain around what this one actually means, but it seems like another one of those 'girls who can't do it secretly despise girls who can do it' styles. Passive-aggressive hair jealousy is the BEST.


5) Low Ponytail

I'm not even sure if this technically qualifies as a low ponytail (seems a little side ponyish if you ask me), but yes this is good looking hair. I am having a little bit of fun with this whole 'googling really attractive girls' thing.


6) Low Bun

High Pony > Low Pony, Low Bun > High Bun. BIZARRE.

Bye Week Mailbag Questions!

Well, yeah, that kinda sucked. It's one thing to play your best game and come up short against a damn good team. It's an entirely different animal to shoot yourself in each foot, your left knee, your right elbow, your shoulder, and your big toe, leaving you completely bloodied and barely functioning... but with enough of a pulse to give you hope that, hey, THIS MIGHT STILL WORK OUT!

It did not work out. You simply cannot commit that many crippling penalties - especially when two of them DIRECTLY prevent turnovers. You can't drop gimme interceptions - especially when they throw for a joke of a touchdown on the following play. You can't have your offensive line get beasted up front - especially when that's supposed to be one of the strengths of your program. We made about as many boneheaded mistakes as you can make, and STILL had the ball down a touchdown with a chance for a miraculous comeback.

Let's give credit where credit is due (because it wasn't all bad): Stave played as well as he has all year. He was making throws all over the field against what is supposedly one of the best secondaries in the nation. Abby showed why he should have a solid NFL career. Borland proved why he's my current favorite Badger and one of the very best linebackers in the country.

I could go on, but the fact remains that unless OSU loses twice and we win out, our 3 year run in Pasadena will be coming to an end. Unfortunate, but it had to end sometime. And with a bye this week, it's time for you to shoot me some questions for a good old fashioned MAILBAG. If you're new here, questions can literally be about anything and everything. Check here and here for some examples from last year. Email me, hit me up on Twitter, or leave a comment below with your questions. The sooner you get your question in, the better. Thanks.

PS - All my fault:

ON WISCONSIN

at #4 Ohio State

Welcome to #OhioHate week! Oh, let me tell you, #OhioHate week is one of my favorite weeks of the year. There's just so much to despise about them. LET US DESPISE:

• Urban Meyer. Urban Meyer is a walking, talking coaching embodiment of slash and burn agriculture. Except not only does he hack and scorch the land, but he's also slashing at his own head at the same time. We never really got details on his 'health reasons' for stepping away from Florida, but I'm guessing some of his afflictions were Brokenlockerrooomitis and Icreatedapoisonousculturia. Fortunately for poor Urban, WebMD recommended he leave Florida before non-preferiti mutinied against him, take a job with ESPN, get full access to practices and facilities at schools across the country, and then jump right back into coaching with OSU. WebMD always just tells me I have cancer. I also despise WebMD.
• By the way, Urban 'Outfitters Accessory (to murder)' Meyer may have helped cover up some violent Aaron Hernandez crimes. So he's got that going for him.
• Halloween. Two years ago, we lost a game in a city in that state no one likes not named Ohio on a last second Hail M*ry that I'm still not sure actually happened in front of my eyes. That was terrible. But the next week we had a prime opportunity to get a rare win in Columbus. It was Halloween Saturday. We gathered in my living room and watched an up and down affair that we thought peaked with a late Wisconsin touchdown to take the lead for good. Then Braxton found some Buckeye asshole wide open behind our secondary for the second crushing defeat in 7 days. It was not my favorite Halloween.
• Jared Sullinger. Yeah I don't care that he didn't play football. He's still the same baby who got pushed around by our point guards in the paint, lied about getting spit on as students rushed the floor after we beat those scumbags, and got a little too handsy with his girlfriend. Oh yeah, in case you forgot, his dad is named 'Satch' and at one point was convinced of an NBA-wide conspiracy to make Jared fall in the draft.
• Meth. The official state drug of Ohio. You know, I've been watching Breaking Bad and playing some GTA, and I've quickly learned there are two branches that spread from the meth tree: 1) You can be the powerful, rich, badass meth-overlords who feast on the weak, toothless meth-heads, or 2) You can be the weak, toothless meth-heads and be PROUD to be a Columbus resident.

#OhioHate


CHICAGO BADGERS: A much more reasonable night game at Will's. Weather's looking good. Cheese curds are looking plump. What else could you ask for?


LET'S go!

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WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: ABC
WEATHER: LOW 60'S, I STILL DON'T LIKE COLUMBUS

Purdue

I don’t know what to tell you.

Let’s just do a retro diary:

FRIDAY

6:00 PM: Working until midnight. Reward? An extra day of PTO. Also, I’m a firm believer in staying in Fridays before gamedays. Even for a 9:30 pm kickoff, I still like to go in FRESH. Most responsible thing I do in life.

SATURDAY

7:43 AM: Roll over in bed, fire this off:

GAMEDAY. #wiscONsin #BeatASU #MGIII @WillsNorthwoods @BadgerFootball
— Brandon Rifkin (@brandonrifkin) September 14, 2013

7:44 AM: Switch sides, back to sleep. How do you sleep? I’m an habitual side-sleeper. My routine is usually to start on the left side and ease into it like an old man into a nice warm bath. But then shortly after I FLIP THAT SHIT and I’m on my right side going straight to sleeptown. Then I wake up and my shoulder cracks in 4 different ways and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna pay for this later in life. But I can’t change! How the fuck do you sleep on your stomach? I feel like you either suffocate your face in your pillow, or sleep with your neck at a 90 degree angle. And no fucking way anyone sleeps on their back. That’s for dead people in caskets.

I’m coming to terms with the possibility that I suck at sleeping, which is frightening considering how good at it I was in high school.

1:45 PM: Finally up, check Twitter, see that Michigan is in a battle with… Akron? GLORY GLORY LET’S GO AKRON.

1:50 PM: Haven’t put any clothes on yet.

1:52 PM: Akron has 2^nd and goal at the Michigan 2… and promptly throws an interception. DON’T TEASE ME, AKRON.

1:58 PM: After a few struggles running the ball, Akron punches in a TD. 24-21 good guys. 4 minutes to go. CAN YOU TASTE THE MUSTACHIOED TEARS?

2:01 PM: 35 yard run, 20 yard pass, 13 yard PI, touchdown, Evil Empire. NO.

2:03 PM: Akron has the ball, down 4, a shade under 3 minutes to go. 3 MINUTE DRILL. Despite picking up two bad penalties, Akron has a 3^rd and 1 on the 2 yard line. Two shots for the end zone to cause severe flooding in the general Ann Arbor area due to a torrential downpour of Michigan Tears.

2:04 PM: GODDAMNIT YOU ZIPS. Time to put some clothes on.

2:05 PM: OMG IT’S OVER 7 HOURS UNTIL KICKOFF? What am I supposed to do? I take back everything I ever said about loving night games. By the way, Potbelly has Nueske’s bacon now and it is FANTASTIC.

2:30 PM: Bama/TAMU kicks off. Manziel comes out balling, and I’m really digging his sleeve. But gun to my head in a sleeve-off, I’m taking Stave:

2:42 PM: A&M is up 14-0, we begin making fun of Vegas for that ASININE 9.5 point spread. YOU KNOW NOTHING, VEGAS, IDIOTS.

3:30 PM: Sorry, Vegas:

4:00 PM: I thought for sure Vegas would have a prop bet about the first time we’d see AJ McCarron’s girlfriend AND mom. Nothing yet. REMEDY THIS, PERVY CAMERAMEN.

5:30 PM: Bama holds on. Up next? WISCONSIN AND ARIZONA STATE OH WAIT NOT FOR ANOTHER 4 HOURS MIGHT AS WELL BE 14 YEARS

at Arizona State

LOOKING BACK:

• It's not easy drawing conclusions from games against inferior competition. With that said, a mostly vanilla UW defense has given up zero points this season. ZERO. That is good. I mentioned in the offseason how excited I was to see the changes made on the defensive side of the ball, and so far I am quite obviously loving what I'm seeing. Rooting for an aggressive, blitzing defense is simply more fun.
• I will be going to the Illinois Supreme Court DEMANDING a recount in the Musky Queen election. Ali had a beer bong voting box, a musky cake, more propaganda than every other girl combined, AND our good friends at Dimo's Pizza* hooked her up with a bunch of gooey mac and cheese bribery goodness. Getting 2nd out of 22 Musky Queen candidates is nothing to be ashamed of, but I think we all know there was some SWINDLING going on. For those of you who went and voted for her, thank you. And if you see Ali at Will's in the near future, buy her a shot for a well-run campaign.
• Our third-string, true-freshman running back is currently 18th in the country in rushing. That is insane. Personally, I have MGIII as our top rusher and then White/Clement as 2a/2b. Our running back depth is scary good, and I don't envision it changing for the worse anytime soon.
• I was in San Francisco last weekend and didn't watch the game. But I did eat a porchetta sandwich at 9 am (delightful), go to Alcatraz (very cool/I spent the entire time mixing lines from The Rock and Shawshank), watch the America's Cup race (high-speed sailboat racing, FEEL THE RUSH), hit up the Guy Fieri-approved Pier 23 (stand-by for #foodporn), make it into AT&T Park for 2 innings of a Giants game (the scalpers are literally crackheads/#garlicfries), and dip pretzel bread in a cheese fondue fountain at Michael Mina's personal tailgate (WTF) before watching the Packers drop a hard-fought game at Candlestick (shitty stadium, great game). I guess my point is that I'm OK with having missed Musky Fest and the destruction of Tennessee Tech. Also, if you can't tell, I think San Francisco is an amazing city.

LOOKING FORWARD:

• No more cupcakes. It's time to find out what we've got. @ASU/Purdue/@OSU/NW/@Ill. I'm hoping to come out of there with one loss. If that happens, I'd be very, very happy. But if that one loss is Northwestern I'm gonna hurt someone.
• Ooooooooooo, a NIGHT GAME at Will's. In other words, Brandon will be recording the game because there is a zero percent chance he remembers it the next day. God, talking in the third-person is the most OBNOXIOUS thing. Never again.
• Projected forecast for Saturday night in Chicago: 56 degrees. THERMAL SEASON IS UPON US. I cannot wait! I'll ignore for a second the sadness of my realizing 2 weeks ago that I have no idea where my UW jersey is - #thermalseason makes everything better. Plus, it's been like a million degrees in the Midwest this week and I'm done with melting season. BUST OUT YO' THERMALS.
• This Saturday will be exactly 4 weeks before the Homecoming rumble with Northwestern. I think I've slowly but surely talked myself into heading up to Madison for that weekend. Important game, early enough in the year that the weather should still be tolerable, afternoon kickoff... lots to like here. Personally, I'm not a fan of going up for Homecoming (too many people/chaos), but the home slate isn't very inspiring this season.

*OFFICIAL Dimo's Power Rankings:

1. Chicken Penne Alfredo. This guy's been holding down the top spot on my list for a while and I have a hard time imagining any other slice unseating him. I'm not sure why he's a 'he', but let's assume he's a gregarious eye-talian man who always smells like garlic and wields a Mario-esque mustache. Do Mario and Luigi have last names? Wario definitely doesn't, because Wario's an asshole. Fine, yeah, I just spent an hour on the Mario Wikipedia page. Conclusion: I still have no idea how a Japanese video game programmer created an Italian plumber from New York.
2. Spicy Chicken Quesadilla. FINALLY. Finally a freaking restaurant backs up their 'spicy' claim on a dish. The chicken in this slice has legit heat, but ranch is necessary (well, it's ALWAYS necessary) because it can get a little doughy towards the crust.
3. Chicken Cheddar Bacon. If you need an explanation of why this is a good slice of pizza, you need to put the quinoa down and LIVE a little.
4. Mashed Potato Chicken Bacon. I don't get why this is a seasonal slice. I'll eat mashed potatoes in January just as quickly as I will in August. If I could afford a lobbyist, he would be offering sex and blow to all Dimo's employees to make this slice year-round.
5. Smokey The Bandit. This is the only one I'll refer to by its 'official' name. I'm not a big BBQ sauce guy, but the ranch balances it out pretty well, and the bacon comes over the top to prevent it from dominating the taste.

Honorable Mentions:

• Mac and Cheese. Let's not get too cute: it's a great piece of pizza. But I think it needs to be dressed up a little to reach its FULL potential. Enter: this week's special. I will be 100% drunk-stumbling into Dimo's this week to grab a slice of mac and cheese with bacon and jalapenos on it. That sounds perfect.
• Chicken and Waffles. Pizza with maple syrup on it is what every stoner wants, but never can find. Go to Dimo's. Find it. Maybe even just lick the top of it to make sure it's real.
• Definitely not Steak and Fries. I'm not a fan. I think usually the fries are busted, and, again, BBQ sauce. Woof. Some people swear by it, but you won't find me filling up a punch card with Steak and Fries slices.
• If you're the person ordering cheese or pepperoni at Dimo's, stop what you're doing, empty your money into the tip jar, punch yourself in the face, and leave.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Red bows and thermals, bring 'em to Will's and let's live forever.

LAST CALL FOR VOTING - ENDS 9/14: WE'VE COME SO FAR. If you're one of the stragglers that hasn't voted for my picture, spend the next 5 seconds of your lovely life helping a guy out. Thank you.

LET'S go!

WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: ESPN

WEATHER: HOT DAMN 90+ DEGREES, I SEE WHY IT'S AT NIGHT, OF COURSE LEST WE FORGET, ONCE WE'RE OUT THE STADIUM, WE'RE STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING DESERT

Tennessee Tech

I WANT MORE:

• Melvin Gordon touches. MGIII might be the most naturally gifted runner I've seen at UW, and that's saying something given the guys that have come through before him. Either way, he's a big play waiting to happen and I LOVE that he's embracing being Melvin Gordon THE THIRD. #MGIII
• Cheese curds from Will's. Good lord they're SPLENDID. I'm not joking when I say I could very easily eat 700 curds during one game. I have some friends that don't really eat cheese, and every bite of a curd I take I can't help but think, 'This is a joy they'll never know. Bless their poor souls.'
• Stave-to-Abby bombs. It's pretty damn obvious that our entire offense is built around a power run game that sets up the play-action vertical attack. And I love that - it's undoubtedly the smartest strategy given the pieces we have on the offensive side of the ball. The one thing here is that Sunshine needs to figure out this little underthrow issue he's got going on and start hitting Abby in stride. I have a feeling OSU cornerbacks won't let those underthrown balls reach Abby's hands.
• Girls in red bows. Hot damn I forgot how amazing this time of the year is. BOWS EVERYWHERE. I've documented my love for this look numerous times, so I guess I'll just quickly plead for you not to ditch the bows, girls. NEVER DITCH THE BOWS.
• Forced turnovers. Borland sniffing around a fumble? Good shit. Shelton grabbing a pick in his first collegiate game? GIMME SOME MO'. With an offense that isn't at the same level of the Tolzien and Black Jesus-led teams, our only shot of making a real run this year is with a defense that is molestando el quarterbacko and forcing him into foolish turnovers. I DID RESEARCH: The defensive coaches this year have been hammering home the importance of trying to strip the ball when another defender has him wrapped up. This is something the Bears have done for YEARS, and I've always wondered why no one else is out there teaching the same thing. Sounds like we'll see some of that with UW this season. Something to watch.
• RAFFLE WINNERS. I FINALLY WON THE DAMN RAFFLE. And I won a freaking sundress. Oh well, WINNERS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS. I briefly considered putting it on, but then I realized it was a lady's small, I am not a small lady, and no one needed to see me squeeze through that thing like Ace Ventura being birthed from a Rhino. In the end, my roommate's girlfriend gets a new gameday dress, I feel like I've conquered the world, and I'm coming back to Will's HUNGRY FOR MORE.

PS - Annnnnnd down the YouTube rabbit-hole I went:

CHICAGO BADGERS: I feel like I'm starting to sound like a shill, but Will's was HOPPIN' last Saturday. And given that next week is Musky Fest, we can overlook the terrible opponent and safely assume another raging good time. More on Musky Fest later.

IF YOU STILL HAVEN'T VOTED FOR MY PICTURE WE'RE IN A FIGHT. Be the bigger person and END that fight. Go. Vote. Be proud of the good deed you did for the day.

LET'S go!

WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: BTN

WEATHER: 86, PARTLY CLOUDY... SAME AS LAST WEEK? DRINK IT IN.